Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Change.

There must be a change going on, because I am up at 1:30am with a busy mind and I don't want to be.  I know the change very well.  Tomorrow my daughter enters grade 4 - after a fun-filled summer, she heads back to school.  She's only gone during the day and I walk her to and from school each and every day.  But it's a change, and it has me full of nervous energy.  My bowels are acting up and I have the feeling of a fever brewing, but of course my temperature is 100% normal. 

This is progress though.  In the past, a change like this would have brought on DAYS of crying, panic, worries, fears and "bowel issues".  I was fine yesterday and the day before that...and even today.  It hit me after dinner.  I knew we'd have some time to watch television and I would paint my daughter's nails for her first day back to school (she chose silver and gold).  Then came shower time.  Then "time to brush your teeth!".  And then bed.  We let her sleep in our bed tonight - only till it was our bed time and then my husband would carry her up to her own bed.  She loves that.  Nothing beats that warm and safe feeling of curling up in your mom and dad's bed. 

Now here I am.  I'm not crying, even though I want to.  I was able to fall in and out of sleep a few times already, but the sleep was so light that the slightest noise or movement from my husband would jolt me awake.  Then my bowels began to cramp and once the sweats came I was out of bed. 

I had hoped I'd get through this "change" unscathed.  That perhaps, for the first time in years, I would go to bed tonight as though it was any other night.  But really, my sleep is far from perfection lately.  Most nights I am up at some point with cramping, nerves or sweats.  So I shouldn't be surprised that tonight I am up with the jitters. 

I'm not sure what I'm worried about.  I know my daughter will enjoy school as she always does.  I do anticipate some "nervous energy" from her in the morning as she also has the "first day back jitters".  I think my fear stems from having to be "on the ball".  I have a fear that I won't be able to keep up.  If I had a bad night this past summer, I could sleep in an extra hour if need be.  I could be a bit more "lazy", or while my daughter played outside in the sun, I could have a cry.  But now the routine comes.  I have to be up in the morning to make her breakfast and pack her lunch.  I need to be out the door by a certain time each morning to walk her to school.  It may sound simple to most, but for me it makes my mind spin.  It's spinning less than last year, and MUCH less than the year before, but it still spins.  And maybe it always will to some degree.

I try to sit here tonight and think of the positives.  I LIKE the routine of the school year.  I tend to get more done and the early mornings motivate me to start my day.  I enjoy the morning walk with my daughter as we have our best chats during that time.  I enjoy having some time to myself when I get home.  I enjoy the social aspect of my daughter attending school as I have made great friendships with some of the fellow "school moms".  It's great to see them all again and to catch up.

I handle change better nowadays that I have in several years.  But I can't help but wonder, "is this as good as it gets?".  Will I always have issues with change?  Will I always have nervous bowels that wake me up or keep me up at night?  Will I always get the sweats and feel like the room is spinning?  And will I always have this underlying sadness that comes with change?  I hope not.  I hope that as I continue to heal and grow into my own that much more of this passes.  I hope I can learn to embrace change.




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