I knew staying in bed wouldn't cut it so I got out, grabbed the laptop and decided to "set up camp" in the basement. Our hamster, Lucas, greeted me happily. Poor guy is nocturnal and rarely gets visits at 4 in the morning when he's ready to party...so at least someone in this house is happy right now.
All I can do is cry. I am so worn out and angry with how hard this it at 14+ months out. Sleep is rarely good and some days I wonder how I'm even getting through the day like a "normal" person. Humans need sleep! Apparently I'm proving we don't need quite as much as we think. My eyes burn 24/7 and my body has this constant buzzing. It's difficult to think positively at 5:00 am...so I'm not at my best right now. You are getting the "oh my gosh this HAS to end...please can I have a break...I just want to cry" Sarah. I didn't have panic attacks like this before all these meds. Not that I can remember. I never had chest pain till I was 8 months free of them. I didn't have these wild mood swings that leave me in shock. I never had muscle pain, dental pain and bone pain like I have now. So it is the meds. I just have to reassure myself of that over and over and over.
Now I sit here...5:40am. I won't go back to bed. I am listening to a song that is sung by a young woman - a celebrity - who has battled depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and cutting. She's been open about it publicly and I respect her for that. Because people can really judge you when you discuss any issue that has the word "mental" in it. It suddenly becomes YOUR fault. It's not a song I would normally listen to, but the lyrics hit me and are familiar after this experience. Only, where she is singing to people who have hurt her (I suspect), I replace the people with pills.
Good night...or morning, to all. Another night down, and another day to face that may be better than yesterday. I will end this with a good cry and move on. It can only get better.