Friday, 28 September 2012

4:45 am...You Know This Can't Be Great

4:45 am.  My husband and I went to bed early tonight.  An hour or so earlier than we normally would.  And now I am up at 4:45 - NOT getting the extra sleep I thought I would get tonight.  I woke up slowly - like in a dream.  I wasn't sure if I was actually awake or just dreaming I was waking.  I got up to go to the washroom quickly and then came right back to bed but I knew fairly quickly what was going to happen.  I told myself, "this doesn't HAVE to happen...maybe you can control it."  So I sat in bed and breathed deeply till I could hear less of a heartbeat drumming in my ears.  I slowly slid my legs under the blankets and then lowered my body into bed.  But my heart beat louder.  I breathed and breathed.  I rested my hands on my body to ground myself.  But my stomach began to gurgle, pop and turn.  Then the chest pain.  The chest pain is fairly new.  I never had it in the past with panic attacks.  It isn't a steady pain...more like a jabbing pain that comes and goes.  Sometimes it can be a crushing pain that leaves my arms tingling. 

I knew staying in bed wouldn't cut it so I got out, grabbed the laptop and decided to "set up camp" in the basement.  Our hamster, Lucas, greeted me happily.  Poor guy is nocturnal and rarely gets visits at 4 in the morning when he's ready to at least someone in this house is happy right now. 

All I can do is cry.  I am so worn out and angry with how hard this it at 14+ months out.  Sleep is rarely good and some days I wonder how I'm even getting through the day like a "normal" person.  Humans need sleep!  Apparently I'm proving we don't need quite as much as we think.  My eyes burn 24/7 and my body has this constant buzzing.  It's difficult to think positively at 5:00 I'm not at my best right now.  You are getting the "oh my gosh this HAS to end...please can I have a break...I just want to cry" Sarah.  I didn't have panic attacks like this before all these meds.  Not that I can remember.  I never had chest pain till I was 8 months free of them.  I didn't have these wild mood swings that leave me in shock.  I never had muscle pain, dental pain and bone pain like I have now.  So it is the meds.  I just have to reassure myself of that over and over and over. 

Now I sit here...5:40am.  I won't go back to bed.  I am listening to a song that is sung by a young woman - a celebrity - who has battled depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and cutting.  She's been open about it publicly and I respect her for that.  Because people can really judge you when you discuss any issue that has the word "mental" in it.  It suddenly becomes YOUR fault.  It's not a song I would normally listen to, but the lyrics hit me and are familiar after this experience. Only, where she is singing to people who have hurt her (I suspect), I replace the people with pills. 

Good night...or morning, to all.  Another night down, and another day to face that may be better than yesterday.  I will end this with a good cry and move on.  It can only get better.

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