Friday, 3 August 2012

Unwanted Suprises At One Year Off

I can't believe how horrid I feel right now.

I woke up feeling fine.  I had a good solid sleep - 6 hours.  I woke up happy.  I was hungry - much more hungry than usual.  I made some breakfast and ate it quickly.  I felt full - more full than usual since I ate quicker than usual.  But I felt fine.

Then the saliva came.  Rushes of hot saliva filled my mouth and I had to keep swallowing - which then brought on excessive burping.  I started to notice that sounds around me became louder.  The bulldozer out on our street began to sound like it was approaching our home.  The Olympics on the television became muffled claps and cheers.  I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my body...and that's when I sat straight and said, "Oh no...this is how I felt when I tapered!".

I got up and did some dishes, but the feeling of having to throw up came on so strong.  I cried on my husband's shoulder but even my tears wouldn't take it all away.  Now an hour later and the feelings have lessened but is still strong enough that I feel completely unsettled.  My fingers burn with adrenaline.  My chest is heavy and my stomach still turns.  The saliva is still coming on in waves and it wonder if a good heave over the toilet would end this.  I have cried so hard my eyes now burn and feel swollen. 

I took a break from writing this post and had a long shower.  It helped a bit.  But my body feels 100% rattled.  And I am sad.   I am human and when things get this tough I do feel a bit of the "whoa is me" feeling.  I'm angry this continues to be so prevalent in my day to day life.  I am tired of explaining to friends, "it's just the's just withdrawal".  I literally cringe when I say it.  I think it's because of the fear that lingers that eventually people will stop believing me. 

The literature is out there.  If you take the time to do some research, there are documents and articles as far back as the 1980's discussing the risks of long term use of Benzodiazepines.  None of what I say is fabricated...however, I fear people will stop believing the further out I get. 

Off I go to face the day.  It's now 11:24am and this all began at 9:23am.  I know this can pass in a matter of minutes.  Yesterday I had the "Benzo-flu" symptoms for 6 hours straight.  I remember thinking several times, "maybe this is just THE FLU"...but there was no fever, no diarrhea, no body aches...just this horrible heavy/tired feeling and my body felt unsettled.  And just like it came on without warning, it too vanished.  I went from the flu to 100% within a minute.  It's like a switch that toggles on and off.  I have to continue to visualize the "Benzo Beast", laughing at me as he turns the switch on...telling me I'm going to break and I'm going to fail.  If I can get angry at him it makes things easier.  Visualizing can be a wonderful thing.  And that beast is going down.

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