Saturday, 4 August 2012

The Fear Has Returned...

It's 2:38am.  I haven't slept yet.  My bowels are cramping up.  I have the sweats and the adrenaline is rushing through me.  My hands and feet shake.  The saliva crept up again tonight and I spent an entire movie swallowing time and time again.  I feel fear. 

The fear hasn't been around for quite some time.  Of course it creeps up during a bad night, but not like this.  This is the kind of fear that leaves me wondering if I am just permanently damaged.  I get angry that I ever took these pills and then as the anger sets in I can feel this sudden "OH MY GOSH!" feeling hit me in my chest and pit of my stomach.  It's this surge of fear and adrenaline that is uncontrollable.  It's a feeling that makes you want to pull your hair, pace the house and punch a wall or two...and maybe scream.  So far I have only paced the house.  And cried a lot. 

How will I get through this for one more day, let alone several weeks, months or even a year or two?  I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!  I have said this several times in the past 24 hours.  I CAN'T.  I WON'T.  THIS CAN'T HAPPEN!  PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!  It's the fear and it's back full force. 

As I type this, I really have no clue how I will do this.  If these symptoms stick around for a few weeks, I just can't fathom it all over again.  I don't want sleepless nights and panic attacks.  I want normalcy.  Even if my normalcy right now is what I felt a few weeks ago.  I just don't want this. 

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