It's 2:38am. I haven't slept yet. My bowels are cramping up. I have the sweats and the adrenaline is rushing through me. My hands and feet shake. The saliva crept up again tonight and I spent an entire movie swallowing time and time again. I feel fear.
The fear hasn't been around for quite some time. Of course it creeps up during a bad night, but not like this. This is the kind of fear that leaves me wondering if I am just permanently damaged. I get angry that I ever took these pills and then as the anger sets in I can feel this sudden "OH MY GOSH!" feeling hit me in my chest and pit of my stomach. It's this surge of fear and adrenaline that is uncontrollable. It's a feeling that makes you want to pull your hair, pace the house and punch a wall or two...and maybe scream. So far I have only paced the house. And cried a lot.
How will I get through this for one more day, let alone several weeks, months or even a year or two? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I have said this several times in the past 24 hours. I CAN'T. I WON'T. THIS CAN'T HAPPEN! PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP! It's the fear and it's back full force.
As I type this, I really have no clue how I will do this. If these symptoms stick around for a few weeks, I just can't fathom it all over again. I don't want sleepless nights and panic attacks. I want normalcy. Even if my normalcy right now is what I felt a few weeks ago. I just don't want this.