Tuesday, 28 August 2012

Music Therapy

I have always had a DEEP love for music.  And it's not just one genre of music.  I enjoy just about anything...Queen, Sarah McLachlan, Muse, Sia, Bach, Chopin, The Cure, Metric, Florence and the Machine, Louis Armstrong, Pink, Christina Perri, Panic At The Disco, Aqualung...I could go on and on and on.  I don't have a favourite.

While tapering off of Benzodiazepines, there were very few days where I could say I felt well at all.  Most days were consumed with various aches and pains as well as mental anguish.  I couldn't bring myself to listen to anything happy.  I tried, but I'd then sit and think about how I wanted to be able to dance, or clean my home, or visit friends, and I'd become more depressed.  So I surrounded myself with sad music.  Music with lyrics that could make a grown man cry - in my opinion.  My "go to" was Sia.  I came across her music while watching the TV program "Intervention".  It was used as the background music during their commercial.  The song was called "Breathe Me", and several television shows have used this song...it is so moving, deep and gives me chills every time.  The lyrics "spoke" to me.  It's how I felt.  I felt like a loser - a failure.  I felt that my own stupidity and weakness had put me in this position.  If I had just fought through my previous anxiety problems instead of running to my doctor for a prescription, I wouldn't be sitting there in pain. 

Sia - Breathe Me

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
And needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Then I came across another Sia song..."I'm In Here".  Even today this song brings me back to "those" days.  I wondered if she had been in a similar place.  I remember wanting to ask her, "how did you know?...".  I felt it was written for me.  

Sia - I'm In Here

I’m in here.
Can anybody see me?
Can anybody help?

I’m in here,

A prisoner of history.
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me
I need you to hold all of the sadness I can not…
Live with inside of me

I’m in here.

I’m trying to tell you something.
Can anybody help?

I’m in here.

I’m calling out but you cant hear.
Can anybody help?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.
I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…
Live with inside of me.

I’m crying out.

I’m backing down.
I am feeling it all.
Stuck inside these walls, tell me there is hope for me.
Is anybody out there listening?

Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.
I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…
Live with inside of me


Can you hear my call? Are you coming to get me now?

I’ve been waiting for you to come rescue me.
I need you to hold, all of the sadness I can not…
Live with inside of me.


I’m in here.

Can anybody hear me?
Can anybody help?  

When I hear these songs, I may be brought back to "that place", but much if not most of that sadness is gone.  I can remember the first time I listened to an upbeat song and ENJOYED it.  It was last summer and I was only weeks off of benzos.  I was preparing dinner in the kitchen when a dance song of sorts came on the radio.  I stopped what I was doing and danced away.  No one was home.  No one was watching me.  And it felt great.  I dance more and more nowadays and I can listen to upbeat music just about any day.  The sad songs aren't played as often but I still adore them.  They also remind me of how far I've come.  

I think music is a great way to "let it out".  Cry with a song.  Dance with a song.  Allow yourself  to be moved.  
 

 

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