I have mixed feelings every time I hit a new month. Another month med free. It's wonderful because I know that for 9 months, my body hasn't been filled with horrible chemicals. But I'm scared because I'm not better yet. Some days I think I'm maybe 75% better...but then I get hit with a bad day or two...or three or four...and I feel like I've made very little progress.
I visit a forum daily that is strictly for people struggling with Benzodiazepine withdrawal. This forum has been a life saver to me and hundreds of others suffering. People from Australia, England, The Netherlands, USA and Canada...to name a few...meet there to share their stories and thoughts regarding withdrawal. Some people were on them for 20+ years and are now off and healing, while others were only prescribed them for 4-6 weeks and are suffering greatly 1 year after their last dose. Such a wide range of stories and experiences and although it's comforting to "meet" people who are struggling as well, it's so sad to think that hundreds out there are put in this position.
Since I had my visit to the hospital over a month ago and discovered I had a descent sized cyst on my ovary as well as 2 gallstones, I have had right-sided pain daily. And it has me obsessed. I have become a nervous wreck in regards to my gallbladder. I think about it day and night. I never had pain in that area prior to knowing I had gallstones, so is it really possible I've somehow created this pain myself? I have searched time and time again on the forum and have discovered a large group of people who have also suffered from right-sided pain. Many of them have scheduled appointments for scans and tests, only to discover there is NOTHING wrong with them. Some have a theory that our bodies are riding of the toxins caused by the benzos, and perhaps our over-sensitive systems over-react. It's the same way sound still affects me. Example: just as I wrote the last sentence, my husband dropped the remote control onto the hardwood floor. That could startle anyone, but for me, it's as though you have honked a horn right behind my head...or hit a pot above me. Every nerve in my body "charges" and "electrifies". My heart jumps beyond a normal level and I feel instantly agitated and annoyed - as though he dropped it with the sole purpose of trying to scare me. It takes me awhile to come down from it...as I type this sentence, my stomach is gurgling and my body feels like live wire. My breathing is heavy and my fingers tingle. All from a dropped remote control. So perhaps that explains why little twitches and twinges inside of my body feels like an alien travelling through. Or as though something is going to pop right out of my body.
Two nights ago I had an new all-time low. I was in pain and panic mode the ENTIRE night. Not one minute of sleep. Horrible. My ribs hurt and my chest had pain all throughout. I couldn't get comfortable and although the pain was not excruciating, it was bothersome enough that I couldn't fall asleep with it. By morning, my husband was up for work and I was a mess. Crying, sobbing, blubbering on about who knows what. I couldn't think straight and I knew it was stemming from zero sleep. I cried like an inconsolable baby who has been kept up past his or her bed time.
It is shocking that I still get hit with those nights. It is jarring and makes me wonder when this will all really end. I knew when I began tapering from benzos that it could take up to 2 years to heal...even my pharmacist warned me of this...but when you're living it, it becomes so unbelievable at times. If I had a dime for every time I've thought "how did those tiny little pills create this big of a problem?"!!!
My journey is not yet over and I have no clue how or when I'll know I'm really "me". I'm scared one moment and then I'm excited the next. Excited, because I like to think that all of this happened for a reason and that somehow I will be able to do something good with it. And excited because it has taught me to respect my body so much more than I ever did before. Now I do all I can do to try to keep it healthy.
I thank you for your patience as my wrist was not up to typing recently. It is still stiff and sore, but good enough for a blog entry. Now off to heal some more...in more ways than one. Perhaps that magical day is on its way where I will wake up to the "healed me".
Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.- Hippocrates