I slept poorly last night. Bladder spasms came on, which turned into a left temple pain that scared me and led me to believe I'd die from a brain aneurysm. I was so convinced of it at one point that I almost woke up my husband to tell him I love him and to ask him to tell my daughter how much I love her and always will. It was not a good night.
Now today I am "weak". My mind isn't thinking clearly. I wrote about it on the forum I visit and I was reminded of by members of the "cycles" we go through while healing. So for me, 3 months, 6 months, and 9 months have all proven to be hard. I get hit with so many symptoms during these milestones.
So how does my mind think when I'm at my worst? I'll lay it out here as the thoughts come.
My diaphragm hurts so badly and it makes me scared to eat.
I am losing weight again, yet eating...so is there something else wrong with me that is making me lose weight?
My chest hurts and no matter how much I rub and massage it the pain won't go.
I'm afraid that after fighting this long, I'll find out I'm dying from something unrelated - so was this worth it?
I don't want to leave...I'm not ready to go.
I can't stop crying and wonder when the tears will end.
I want to call everyone I know just to "let it out". I need support, but also want to be alone.
I want to putter around the house, but I also want to grab a blanket and curl up in a ball...I won't though...I never do.
I'm confused, scared and yet hopeful.
This is how my mind thinks at my worst. I know it won't last and I just have to work trough it. I feel almost embarrassed writing this post. I feel vulnerable and wonder if I'm sharing too much...but it's the truth behind Benzo Withdrawal. And the truth is that although some people can come off of these pills with very little problems...others will suffer greatly and they need to know that there will be an end to it. This is not permanent and it's not their fault. No one would "choose" to feel this way. It is what it is, and all you can do is TRY to not get frustrated with the process and just allow it to happen. Easier said than done.
I know that with a bad day like today, a lot of good can come out of it. I could feel very good tomorrow...or even hours from now. I sometimes tell myself, "I think I can do this for 2 more months...if I know it will end in 2 months, then I'll suffer till then". Or, "I can do this for another year...what's one more year? Just please let it end after that". Then this morning, it was, "Please let this end...I can't do this for one more day...this is unfair and it needs to end...I did everything right and this has to stop now...no more".
Whether it ends tomorrow or a year from now, I will keep "blogging" my journey.