Friday, 18 May 2012

2am...

It's one of "those" posts.  It's 2am and I'm awake.  I haven't slept yet and I'm not sure when I'll go and attempt it.  I'm not sure if this is hormone driven...as I try to find an answer to it all every time.  But here I am.  Stomach is rumbling.  Heart is racing.  Chills come and go.  Intestines and pelvis burn.  Mind is racing.  Head is spinning. 

Is this withdrawal still?  It's what I ask almost daily when the physical "stuff" sets in.  The further out I get from my last dose of Diazepam, the more I fear it's not withdrawal.  And yet why do I believe it when I read "it can take up to 2 years OR MORE to fully heal from Benzodiazepine Withdrawal"?  I believe it, until the symptoms set in.  Then all the knowledge goes out the window and I become "Scared Sarah".

In one day, I will celebrate 10 months freedom of medication.  When I had my very last appointment with my Psychiatrist before she discharged me as a patient, she said that I should bake a cake in the shape of a Diazepam or Clonazepam to celebrate.  Not once have I felt like doing that because I don't feel ready to celebrate.  I hope that day comes soon, and like she requested I'll be sure to send her a photo. 

With a big deep sigh, I ask (or plead) right now, "please let this be over soon?".

Is it cake time yet?



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