It's one of "those" posts. It's 2am and I'm awake. I haven't slept yet and I'm not sure when I'll go and attempt it. I'm not sure if this is hormone driven...as I try to find an answer to it all every time. But here I am. Stomach is rumbling. Heart is racing. Chills come and go. Intestines and pelvis burn. Mind is racing. Head is spinning.
Is this withdrawal still? It's what I ask almost daily when the physical "stuff" sets in. The further out I get from my last dose of Diazepam, the more I fear it's not withdrawal. And yet why do I believe it when I read "it can take up to 2 years OR MORE to fully heal from Benzodiazepine Withdrawal"? I believe it, until the symptoms set in. Then all the knowledge goes out the window and I become "Scared Sarah".
In one day, I will celebrate 10 months freedom of medication. When I had my very last appointment with my Psychiatrist before she discharged me as a patient, she said that I should bake a cake in the shape of a Diazepam or Clonazepam to celebrate. Not once have I felt like doing that because I don't feel ready to celebrate. I hope that day comes soon, and like she requested I'll be sure to send her a photo.
With a big deep sigh, I ask (or plead) right now, "please let this be over soon?".
Is it cake time yet?