Monday, 9 April 2012

Patience

Just another update:

The chest pain was extremely painful and almost had me going back to the hospital.  Today it has lessened.  The nausea was extremely bad yesterday afternoon and right into the evening.  Several times I thought I'd need to run to the toilet.  Today was the same, but it is now 4pm and seems to be passing.  My skin from my ribs to my neck feels like it's covered in small needless.  Every movement I make, makes the skin feel on fire as my clothes rub against it.  It's the feeling of shingles - which I had as a teenager and to this day can remember the exact sensation it brings on.  When I itch there is little to no relief.  My chest muscles feel extremely itchy and no matter how hard I itch, the feeling just won't go away...so my chest is left red and irritated.  All of this from pills I took for 3 years, and haven't taken now for 8 months and 3 weeks.  I am waking up feeling depressed and would prefer to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away. 

My daughter keeps me going right now.  She smiles and gives me hugs.  I put on the "brave face" and then crumble when she's in the shower or across the street at a friend's house.  She'll come home and sometimes notices the blotchy skin on my face - evidence of tears.  She'll smile a "oh, you're not feeling good...I'm sorry mommy" smile.  I look at her with a look or reassurance and say, "It's okay you know...Mommy is going to be fine".  She smiles back and says, "I know".  But how many times have I said that line in the past 2 years to her?  Too many times. 

When I cry or even laugh, my ribs hurt and feel bruised.  Laughing is by far the worse and I find myself holding my ribs in for fear they'll actually break from the laughter.  I am so extremely hyper-sensitive right now.  Even a hug from my husband hurts my skin.  Noise is bothering me again - though not as badly as it was months ago.

The positives?  I am sleeping a solid 5-6 hours most nights right now.  I function...laundry, dishes and food preparation is always done. 

What a journey...it's not a fun one, but I still believe I'll come out more patient and stronger than ever.  I'm thankful for the good things that have come from it, and I'm extremely amazed and touched by the support of my loved ones. 


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