Saturday, 7 April 2012

Pain Pain Go Away.

I'm not sure where to begin, except to say I'm in a tough spot.  As I posted before, I found out that I had a new cyst on my ovary and 2 small gallstones.  Since finding this out, I've been in a downward spiral.  It's as though I can't figure out how to process this information.  I obsess about every single feeling I have.  And it doesn't help that there has been a truckload of feelings this past week. 

Rib pain
The feeling of my rib shifting and rubbing
Back pain
Shingles-like pain in my ribs/back/arms (it even hurts to have my clothes on)
Chest pain that nearly floored me
Nausea...just as I was loving food again

The pain in constant - not a second goes by during the waking hours without it.  I am emotional - crying several times a day.  I am scared - fearing my gallbladder is failing on me.  In the end, this could ALL be related to the pills.  Just look on a forum for Benzo Withdrawal, or research it online and you'll find "rib pain, nerve pain, zapping pain, muscle pain".  It's all there.   But what still shocks me is how bad it can be after not taking 1 single pill for almost 9 months.  Because of all the reading my husband and I have done, we know very well this can happen...but unless you're living it, it really is quite unbelievable.  I'm at a point now where I cringe to talk to my family or friends about it.  It's been the same old story for many months now.  I was really seeing improvement these past few months, but now I feel like I've hit square one in many ways.

I don't know what else to say.  I don't have any words of wisdom for anyone going through this.  Not everyone will hurt like this - emotionally or physically - when coming off of Benzodiazepines.  But if you are one of the people who DO, it can really wear you out.  I am too tired to come up with anything bright to say on my blog, so instead I've given you an update.  If you are supporting a loved one going through this, just listen to them. They may repeat 100 times a day how scared they are, or how much they are in pain - just know they REALLY are scared, and their fears and obsessions feel real to them even if they know deep down they are not.  I have never felt so lonely before in my life even surrounded by so much love and support.  Now time for a cry. 

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