Tuesday, 24 April 2012

My Right Side No Friend Of Mine.

So, forewarning, this is not one of my positive posts.

I am 9 months and 5 days benzo-free.  The pain is at times borderline intolerable.  And it's all on the right side of my body.

The nerve pain is almost constant.  Zaps, pinches and prickles hit my jaw, neck, shoulder, back, ribs and pelvis.  Some are subtle and some are enough to jolt me and sending me into deep breathing.

My muscles from my shoulder to my pelvis feel pulled and are in pain.  A heating pad is the only thing that gives SOME relief.  Meanwhile the left sided muscles feel 100% fine.  You could literally draw a line down my body and the right side would be screaming, while the left side would be asking, "What's YOUR problem?".

My teeth ache...again, only right sided.  It's a constant throbbing pain in my lower teeth and jaw.  Accompanied by the occasional "firework-like" pain of nerves shooting off in different directions all at once.  It's enough to make me wince and it takes my breath away.

The shingles-like pain is still lingering.  To be honest, out of everything I have, I believe this is the one I can tolerate the most.  Is it irritating?  Yes.  But it's the one side effect that does NOT make me feel anxious.  When I feel the shingle-like tingles through my skin and muscles, I instead can "visualize" my body working hard to repair itself.  And often a sense of calmness comes over me.  I've noticed that if I'm having stomach pain that scares me, if the shingles-like pain comes at the same time, it counteracts the fearful feeling and brings me back to a certain calmness.

I am not where I thought I would be my 9th month off of Benzos...it's proving to be a tad more difficult.  However, although there is a lot of physical pain right now, I STILL can see through it (most of the time) and I know I'm healing.  Some days I doubt it, but then I snap back to reality and feel hopeful.

I had quite an episode 2 nights ago that led to a full blown panic attack that lasted hours.  It even required a "call to mom and dad" at midnight.  It was bad.  I felt alone, terrified and completely in fear of just about everything.  There was pacing, borderline screaming, punching my legs, punching the couch...and yes even a fan - not my proudest moment.  But it took over me like my body was possessed.  And it felt like it would NEVER end.  I had a hot shower and sobbed as I literally sat curled up in a ball on the shower floor...all while sobbing.  I only ended up with a few hours of sleep that night which made for a tired day yesterday...but I did it.  The panic attacks don't come often and it's been quite awhile since I had one like that...perhaps THAT was my last one.

Benzo withdrawal is no joke.  Once I am healed I plan on "doing something" with the knowledge I have.  I've started by educating people through my blog, but that only reaches so far.  I hope a lot of good comes from this experience.

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