Monday, 19 March 2012

8 Months Free...Rollercoaster Anyone???

I am typing this after a good cry.  Nausea has hit me once again.  I am having a bit of a "woe is me" moment, as I woke up with horrible pain from what I believe to be ovarian cysts...which led to a bad headache that nothing would take away...which led to the infamous nausea.  It is now 7:41pm and I am curled up on the couch having a mini-break from laundry.  It is the strangest nausea I get with the withdrawal.  I just spoke to (well, cried to) my husband about it, and it's as though I'm hungry and sick.  I feel like a cookie right now, and yet I also feel if I lean over too far I'll throw up tonight's dinner.  Smells rarely bother me and I can prepare food while nauseous.  My body seems to be giving off mixed signals, which makes sense since it's my Central Nervous System healing.

Today marks my "8 Months Free Of ALL Psychotropic Medication".  Zero meds of any kind (with the exception of the occasional Tylenol for head pain).  I never once have thought about taking a pill since my last dose.  My fear was that I'd be unable to handle stress or anxiety of any kind and that I'd need to rely on little pills to get me through tough times for the rest of my life...that fear is now long gone.  Only once in a blue moon does it cross my mind - like a whispered "What if...?" in my ear.  But as quickly as it comes, it then passes.  FREEDOM.

This past weekend was a good one.  Aside from this ovarian pain, I had many symptom-free moments.  I even made it to a pub for St. Patty's Day with my husband - something that would have been unimaginable last year.  While people danced around in a drunken stupor, I happily sipped my Perrier water.  I haven't touched alcohol in over a year as it completely elevated my withdrawal symptoms.  Alcohol acts on the brain's GABA the same way Benzos do.  Drinking it during withdrawal can make you go nowhere fast or even worse when trying to heal.  I enjoyed the evening with my husband and felt great the next morning.  It's probably been the most consistently good weekend since this mess.  I am thankful and it gives me that boost of "hope" I needed.


I don't know what this week will bring - never mind the next hour.  But I know there must be more great weekends on their way.  I get scared every now and then that I'm NOT going to heal fully.  That nausea will hit me for the rest of my life.  My husband reminds me time and time again that things will get better...but that fear of "being the one who does not heal" plays in mind during the rough moments.  I think I've always been a fairly patient person, but these past 2-3 years have REALLY tested me and I think I've only grown and strengthened.  I think I'm coming out of this a better person.  And I look forward to seeing where this experience can take me.  There are many blessings in disguise - much like my smile.  The future looks bright.




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