Wednesday, 22 February 2012

Grrrrr...And Then Smile

Another "grrrrr" kind of day.  I had a panic attack last night.  The good news, is that it's been awhile since I last had one.  The bad that I had one.  I was hit with some intense nausea for the majority of the day and it only got worse after dinner.  By the time bedtime rolled around, I had to breathe and swallow as the urge to dry heave was so strong.  I cried and cried and finally woke up my husband.  There is nothing he can do at 2am, but he just listens as I cry and panic.  I didn't keep him up long as I know he has work in the morning.  I came out to the living room on my make-shift bed and went on the forum I frequent often for Bendodiazepine support.  I figured I could at least offer support to others suffering to pass the time.  An hour passed and then 4:30am I figured I could get a couple of hours of sleep in before morning came.  The adrenaline rushes were back full force and every time I attempted to close my eyes and sleep I'd get jolted by an electrical current sensation running through my arms, back and legs.  Even my head tingles.  It takes my breath away and my heart beats faster.  I think by 5pm I was asleep and slept solid till "wake up" time.

Today I feel the lack of sleep.  My eyes burn and I'm full of nervous energy.  I had some strong nausea again this morning, but by 11:00am it began to subside.  I feel some days I have to take this process one minute at a time.  Things can change so quickly.  One minute you are doing fine, and the next it crumbles and you're left thinking, "huh?". 

I have kept a journal now for almost three years.  This entire journey is logged and it's so interesting to look back.  It's also been extremely helpful in that I can track how I feel and I can find some patterns with foods that may bother me, or times of the month where I may feel worse.  I also log my daily progress by four categories:  Anxiety/Panic Level, BM's (my intestines have taken a beating during this process so I like to track how "regular" I am), Nausea and finally Sleep.  I just looked at my entries for December, January and February. 

In December, I had 4 panic attacks, 2 of which were full blown ones.  The other 2 were mild.  However the entire month I was hit with adrenaline rushes every single day, all day long.  In January I had 5 attacks, but 3 of them were extremely mild and more of a "high anxiety" moment.  The other 2 were intense but not as intense as December.  My overall anxiety level dropped and I had less adrenaline rushes.  In February, I've had 1 attack - last night.  It is almost the end of the month, so unless these next two weeks have something interesting in store for me, I think I'll be okay.  Also, my level of anxiety and adrenaline has dropped even more.

Now, the nausea.  December was horrible.  Every single day I was hit with nausea.  My weight dropped to it's lowest again and it was difficult to stomach much of anything.  Even when I could eat I had this mild gagging sensation the entire time.  Eating was far from fun and it was the most depressed I had felt in a long time.  In January, I noticed that only about 1/2 of the month was bad - a big improvement!  I still had some degree of nausea most days, but it was often mild and bearable.  Now this month, I'd say about 1/4 of it has been spent with some mild to moderate nausea.  I've only had 1 or 2 days with what I'd call "bad nausea".  Progress!

It am so happy I've kept these journals.  On a day like today when it feels as though I'm back at square one, it's refreshing to see that I'm really not.  This is just a bump in the road.  And the road is leading to something quite awesome and beautiful. 

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