Friday, 3 February 2012

5 Steps Forwards...And Take A Step Back

These past 2 weeks, I saw some great improvement.  The nausea became only mild most days and I even had a couple of days with only an hour of VERY mild nausea.  I was enjoying flavourful food again and thoroughly enjoying making new meals for my family.  The withdrawal effects that remained were:

IBS-like gas pain
Inner tremors
Not wanting to be social - a bit of a "blah" feeling
Nerve pain (like pins and needles down my spine and arms)

Not too bad!  If you consider my original list was a mile long!  There are big improvements happening.  I have a huge rise in motivation and I've been painting up a storm in my home.  Motivation is something I dearly missed while tapering off the meds.  I would cry for hours because I just couldn't clear a table off, or do one load of laundry.  It was very frustrating - especially as a stay-at-home mom. 

Yesterday morning was like any morning, however I had that feeling again.  That "hmmmmm...could this be nausea coming?" feeling.  I walked my daughter to school and came home to make some breakfast.  As soon as I ate I knew it was coming back.  I tried to calm myself as I knew it may not be as bad this time around.  Maybe the nausea would not become as intense as last time.  At SOME point it has to lessen and eventually just go away.  By noon I was in the basement painting the bi-fold doors from our kitchen pantry and front hall closet.  I thought the distraction of painting may "take it away".  No such luck.  Instead it only worsened.  After a long call with my husband, I then turned to my mom.  I called her in tears and rambled on about how sick I felt and how sick of feeling sick I was.  She always seems to calm me even though I know there is little people can say to help.  My concern was that in only a few minutes I was going to have to look "well" enough to walk to my daughter's school to pick her and her friend up for a play date.  I cried to my husband, "How am I going to do it?!".  And his response, "You just always do".  And it's true.  Through this entire process, I have been able to step up to the plate when needed.

So off I went to pick up the girls.  As I stood on the schools tarmac, waiting for the kids to run out, I talked to other parents as my insides burned and the feeling of dry heaving came and went a few times.  I smiled and laughed all while my head spun and their voices became clouded.  But...I did it.  The girls came out and we walked home with smiles on our faces.  I made the girls a snack and off they went to play.  My husband came home and with no words needed, he hugged me and I knew he felt bad.  For him, it's difficult to watch me make progress and then slip.  It is such a frustrating journey to be on, and he's been there for the ride 100%.  I can't express how thankful I am for that.  It brings tear to my eyes if I think about it too much.

I was able to eat a homemade pancake - and even went back for a second.  I was able to put on another coat of paint on the doors.  I was able to bake a batch of cookies to freeze for my daughter's snacks at school.  And I was able to venture on down to our neighbour's to BRING some cookies and enjoy a couple of hours of great conversation.  It was near the end of our visit that I felt this huge wave.  A mound of hot saliva came out of nowhere into my mouth.  My stomach flipped and my heart raced.  It took every ounce of strength no dry heave right in their kitchen.  I breathed and breathed and stayed as long as I could...but at some point I had to give in.  "I'm going home", I announced to my husband.  "No rush to come stay as long as you want...I just need to get home".  He understood.  He said he could see me slipping away towards the end of our visit.  "Your face tells it all".  I cried all the way home (which is only 3-4 houses away) and when I walked in our home I wailed.  I paced the kitchen and just let it all out.  I went to the basement and punched our punching bag.  I screamed into a pillow.  All this energy and anger comes out and it feels good in the end. 

By the time we went to bed, the nausea had still not left, but somehow I was able to sleep...a solid 7 hours!  It felt so good to wake up knowing I'd had a good night's sleep.  Unfortunately within minutes of being up, I could feel that "oh no...the nausea is coming" feeling.  I ate some breakfast and it worsened. I've had 2 good cries, some more pacing and I made some ginger tea. 

I know that at some point, this will all be behind me, but it is VERY frustrating.  I can feel the tears coming on again and I know that I probably have a few good cries coming my way today.  The crying feels good in the end and as long as I don't have to be anywhere it's therapeutic.  I am still dumbfounded it can be this hard at 6+ months off the meds.  I'm sure anyone who doesn't know the full story would be convinced something else is wrong with me.   It's hard for even me to believe it some days!  My husband and my parents reassure me it's not "me".  And deep down I know it too.  Until it's over, I just take it a day at a time...or hour by hour. 

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