Monday, 9 January 2012

Losing sleep...Losing Me

It's 2am...does this sound familiar?  This is the kind of night where I say repeatedly, "I can't do this anymore...I can't do this anymore...Please make it stop".  I am so tired, but I can't sleep.  My face looks sunken in to me this weekend.  I LOOK tired.  2+ weeks of broken sleep will do that to anyone.  My day had some highs and lows.  Not a winner, but not the worst.  But I went to bed with very little anxiety or fear.  It felt good.  I closed my eyes and then...

...Imagine yourself laying in bed.  The warm blankets holding you tight, the pillow soft under your head.  You know within minutes you'll drift off to sleep.  Suddenly a nerve pain hits you in the back of your head.  It's as though all the muscles in one little area are tightened.  It's so sore and tight you turn your head hoping it will "pop" and the pain will stop.  Nothing relieves it and you begin to wonder how you'll fall asleep with this much discomfort.  Finally, you cock your head to the left and find one position that allows you to feel comfortable again.  You begin to drift off when a jolt hits you.  You feel it in your fingers and your toes.  It's like electricity running through your veins.  Everything inside of you vibrates and trembles...a very unsettling feeling.  Your legs turn to ice while your head becomes hot.  Your heart begins to beat loudly in your left ear...a constant BOOM BOOM BOOM that only becomes faster and louder.  "Why?", you ask yourself.  You aren't nervous and your mind isn't racing, but this physical anxiety just won't stop.  You breath and try to think of something that will distract you, but instead you are hit with waves of nausea so intense you consider throwing your body over the side of the bed to possibly "hurl" all over the floor below you.  Your left arm begin to jerk now.  It comes from your shoulder.  And then the tears.

This was my night, and this has been my night for 2+ weeks.  Not always so intense, but every night nonetheless.  I had this throughout my taper - off and on.  And I had it when I first came off of the Benzos - the first week being HORRIBLE.  But now to get hit with it again at 5.5 months off is disheartening.  I really begin to wonder when I'll get better.  I wonder when people around me will think "this is just crazy Sarah".  But this wasn't ME before these meds.  Yes, I had anxiety - but nothing like this.  The anxiety I had before seems so easy now - I'd give anything to have that back.  This in uncontrollable.  The "Benzo roller coaster" is taking me for a ride and it has no intentions of stopping until it's bored.  So I wait, patiently.  I am tired of waiting and each time I get hit this hard I feel like a failure.  I come down hard on myself and I feel "undeserving". 

I don't know how to close this post.  I wish I had better news.  I was feeling so hopeful months ago, but these past 2 months have just become more difficult each week it seems.  It's confusing and very difficult at times to function with it.  But I do, and I will continue to do so.  There's no other choice.  As much as I'd love to curl up and hibernate till I'm healed, it's just not realistic.  We are taught that "hate" is a strong word, but I 100% hate what these pills have done to me.  Today I feel like I really lost "me". 

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