It's 1:31am...and I'm awake! No sleep to be had as of yet. I am now well into my 3rd, maybe 4th week of very broken sleep. I am so worn out tonight, but cannot sleep in my own bed because I am rattled with nerves and my husband is now snoring. Something I thought was brought on by his cold, but with the cold almost gone, the snoring has decided to stay. With me being such a light sleeper right now, snoring + me = me on the sofa. I don't want to be here and I feel angry that I have to be. I want my bed. I miss it. I miss the deep sleeps I had just a month ago. Normally - since going through the throes of Benzo withdrawal - when I have been hit with a run of "insomnia-like sleep", it only lasts a week at the very most. Something I felt very fortunate for as many suffer for months on end. However, now I am getting my fair share of it and I've had enough. It heightens the intensity of all the other withdrawal effects. I need the sleep to feel a bit better, but my mind and body won't allow me to sleep. FRUSTRATED.
This week I have wanted to throw in the towel several times. "I give up!". "I am done!". "I don't think I can do this much longer...I don't think I can do this even one more day!". I've yelled just about all of it out at one point or another. My patience is being tested and I feel like a failure at times because I'm not healing at a quicker rate. I have to remember that I was on these meds for a few years, as well as the SSRI's I was off/on for YEARS. My body needs to take some time to adjust to being "med free". So I have no choice but to give it the time it needs...but if it could just hurry it up a bit that would be much appreciated.
I fully understand that these psychotropic meds don't affect everyone the same. For years I came off of them - barely taking the time to properly wean myself - and had very few problems. Perhaps some dizzy spells. Some nausea for 2 or 3 weeks...but it would all pass and on life would go on. But the Clonazepam kicked my butt. And because it has numbed my central nervous system, I have to patiently sit back and wait until it fully repairs itself. Which means nerve pain, MAJOR nausea, crying spells that are uncontrollable, GI upset of every kind imaginable, and now sleep disturbance.
My hope for this blog is that it reaches out to those who are possibly unsure of where their journey is taking them in regards to anxiety and/or depression...or just being in a "funk". My journey has proven, that medication is NOT always the answer. Years of prescribed meds have left me not knowing the real me...and very, VERY ill. I feel isolated at times. I feel terrified and "fear of the unknown" plays in my head every day. But what I do FULLY know now, is that both depression and anxiety can be helped without medication. I realize that this is not the case for every individual and I am in NO way bashing the use of medication. But I am very discouraged by the doctors who over-prescribe or too easily prescribe these types of meds to people who maybe just needed a good counsellor or some life style changes. Before you go on them, PLEASE realize they aren't always they're cracked up to be...
I leave you now at 2:01am, and I will attempt to sleep again. My mind isn't racing anymore as all my thoughts have been put out on this page. I thank you for listening to my nervous ramble. Something my loved ones have become quite accustomed to. I leave you with one thought: that if you are wondering whether you should try medication for anxiety and/or depression, please realize that the outcome of filling that prescription can make you much worse off than where you are now. Counselling, change in diet and exercise, meditation, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and surrounding yourself with positive influences...these things DO help. They may not be the quick fix, but they are the PERMANENT fix. They are the tools that will make your future brighter. A future worth fighting for.