Sunday, 8 January 2012

A Good Day...With a Rocky End

Today was much more positive.  I woke up with the adrenaline rush that I often get lately.  It makes my stomach turn and I know that once I get up and walk around it will pass.  My husband, daughter and I are all battling a bad cold, and mornings are often the worse.  That heavy, burning chest and lots of coughing.  But once that passed, I was able to go out shopping for a couple of hours and for the most part felt 80% symptom free (as far as Benzo recovery was concerned).  And no anxiety whatsoever.  We came home and eventually ate some dinner.  A simple dish of whole wheat spaghetti with fresh tomato and basil sauce.  It sat well - some nausea, but not as strong as yesterday.  Then after putting our daughter to bed, we watched a movie - our normal evening routine.

My daughter was up a few times and finally my husband went up to check on her.  Then it was my turn.  She was upset.  Her stomach felt sick and she didn't know if she was going to throw up.  For anyone who knows me VERY well, knows I developed a fear of vomiting over the past few years.  Not just a little fear.  If I heard about someone who lived in another country who had been throwing up, I would believe that somehow that person's virus could travel across the ocean and land in my lap.  At the first thought of vomiting, my face would become pale and my entire demeanour would change.  And it's not an easy fear to live with when you have a daughter who goes to school each day...surrounded by kids and germs.

Since tapering off of the medication, the fear is actually dwindling.  But it's still present, rearing its ugly head every once in awhile.  Tonight I felt it - even though I knew my daughter's stomach ache was more than likely caused by the mucous in her stomach after battling this cold for nearly 2 weeks.  That, or nerves.  She gets the "nervous stomach" from time to time, and I know she wishes the school year didn't resume on Monday.  Either way, she was upset and it left me jangled.  Once we calmed her and tucked her back into bed. we came down to finish our movie.  But that was it.  The end of my "calmness".

Now it's 2:15am.  And I can't sleep.  My stomach is turning and gurgling with nerves.  My legs ache and I feel shortness of breath.  I am frustrated.  Why can the good times only last for a short period of time?  Why can't I catch a break?  My intestine are filled with sharp pains.  Since coming off of the Benzodiazepines, my Central Nervous System is so sensitive to stress.  Good or bad.  As soon as I feel stress come on, my body yells at me.  The most of it coming from nerve pain.  And the majority of the nerve pain stems from my intestines.  Little pinches that make me wince and buckle very so slightly. 

My eyes are heavy and I know I need to sleep.  But I still have that rushing/tingly feeling through my veins.  Once it passes I know I can sleep.  Hopefully a solid sleep.  I am on the sofa tonight because my husband is at his worst with this cold and I know his coughing and/or snoring will keep me awake.  It's best if I come out to the family room where I have a better chance at a deeper sleep.  Only my daughter's room is directly above me now and as I type this paragraph, I can hear her movement above me.  So either way, I may be disrupted tonight.  And after so few nights of decent sleep these past two weeks, I really need a good night.  Last night was good, so I'll take that...but 2 in a row would be lovely.

I'm stuck in a moment that you may be familiar with...whether you suffer from anxiety or not...or whether or not you've come off of a Benzo.  That feeling of "what else is going to come at me?!".  It's the little when I burned my finger and thumb tonight while pulling a tray out of the oven and forgetting to put on oven mitts first. Or when I made my bed on the sofa and finally got comfortable, only to realize the hamsters were still in the room with me and I knew I'd have to move them in order to sleep in this room (they are loud at 3am) I had to get out of "bed" and carry their cage downstairs.  That's when I cried.  "Give me a break!", I thought to myself.  It's silly stuff, but it adds up and drains me.  Insignificant little problems, but on a bad night it all adds up and makes you feel defeated.

It is now 2:52am.  I am on the verge of tears, but I also feel like surrendering to my tired and burning eyes.  I hope that once my mind rests, I will sleep solid.  I want to enjoy my Sunday with my husband and daughter.  i want a good start to the new week.  I leave you with a song I listen to every night as I fall asleep.  It's calming - it's even called "Relaxation" - how fitting!  Enjoy, and good sleep to all. 

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