Monday, 9 January 2012

The Day After...

It's now 9:04am...the day after last night's adrenaline rush that lasted hours.  I was awake till 3:30am...later than I expected.  I was so exhausted and my body felt like it was going to cooperate and sleep...but no such luck.  I was filled with terror and the physical anxiety came back to haunt me.  I was beginning to fear that my body was NEVER going to allow me to sleep again...that my husband would have to finally give in and take me to a hospital where they'd need to drug me in order for me to sleep.  Irrational fears, but they seemed so real at 3am.  I woke up a few times once I fell asleep in a sort of dream-like state.  I knew I was awake, but my body felt heavy.  I was instantly hit with the adrenaline and nausea which made it difficult to fall back asleep.  But I did every time...only to be "officially" woken up this morning at 7:30am. 

It is now 9:07am.  I am wide awake, but my eyes burn.  My daughter is back at school after being off for 2+ weeks.  It was nice having her home and I am not the mom who "can't wait till my child is back at school"....I miss her.  I enjoy her company.  But I'm also happy for her to be back with her friends and her teachers she adores.  We both had the "first day back nerves", but I know that as soon as she enters the school the nerves vanish.  Mine?  Not so much, but mine are stemming from the lack of sleep these past few weeks.  One good night doesn't cut it at this point. 

The one thing I had on my side during this recovery, was sleep.  So many people suffer from insomnia while coming off of Benzodiazepines.  Although I've had bouts of it, it normally did not last longer than a week.  Now going on my third week, I feel a bit "on guard" as to what my future holds this year.  I begin to doubt I'll be healed by summer (something I would LOVE).  Will I be able to hike with my dad this Fall?  Will I be able to handle day trips this coming summer?  What if things get worse?  Because I honestly did not believe they'd get THIS bad THIS far out.  My husband says he isn't surprised but then I wonder if he says that to just reassure me. 

It's not a great start to the week, but I have to make myself realize it could get better very soon.  I wish there was a written handbook that told me  that at "6 months, 1 week and 3 days off...you will feel 80% better".  It would give me more hope....and it would give me an end in sight.  I feel kind of trapped in my body - I don't want to feel this way anymore and I feel almost panicky at the thought this could still go on for months. 

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