Friday, 16 December 2011

Last Night...

My husband and I enjoyed a movie last night.  "Duplex" with Drew Barrymore and Ben Stiller.  We saw it years ago when it was released, but we both felt like a "light and fluffy" movie - and that's what you get when you watch Duplex.  I had a busy day.  My daughter is part of her school's vocal ensemble and they had to go to a nearby mall to perform Christmas carols.  I carpooled with 2 other moms.  I had been experiencing some nausea, so I made sure to bring my "gear" with me:  BHI Nausea pills (something new my mom purchased for's a homeopathic remedy for nausea...but I have yet to try it), my Sea Bands for my wrists if needed, and my every faithful homemade ginger tea (something I am beginning to enjoy instead of viewing it as a chore to drink).  The tea was sufficient and whenever I felt that wave come on where my eyes would roll back ever so slightly, I would take a few sips and things seemed to settle.

We decided to keep our girls for the afternoon instead of returning back to school.  We took them to Winners to "window shop" and then had some lunch together.  Followed by our favourite:  Chapters Book Store.  The kids played and we chatted.  I let my daughter pick out one chapter book.  They do independent reading at school, and she recently finished a more difficult book called, "Radiance".  I was very proud of her for taking on a more challenging book from start to finish.  So this time she chose a "fun" book that is still a challenge (no pictures, and close to 200 pages).  This one is called, "Her Evil Twin".  My daughter loves anything supernatural - ghosts, vampires, fairies and witches.  She lives in a world where fairies do exist and she has me so convinced as well that I often walk around our garden thinking, "Maybe???". 

All and all the day was a great success.  Lots of fun had by all and I was able to keep my nausea at bay for the most part.  We came home and my daughter's friend came over for a couple of hours to play.  I did some house cleaning and greeted my husband as he came home just before 5pm.  I am so fortunate that he is able to work the hours he does....8am - 4pm.   He's always home before 5pm and it gives us a full evening to spend as a family.  

My evening was pretty good.  I am still not use to spending a full day out of the home, so although yesterday was a lot of fun and a very positive experience, my body and mind felt the effects of it later.  I wanted to cry off/on (though never really did), my body ached (like a dull flu-like feeling), and I felt "off".  Maybe a bit confused and easily overwhelmed.  I was able to eat some dinner around 9pm (my stomach was giving me problems all evening with burning and discomfort).  My husband and I enjoyed the movie after we put our daughter to bed...and then at 11:30, it was our bed time.

I always beat my husband to bed.  And when he joins me we have the same routine every night.  I lay on my back with a pillow under my knees.  He lays on his left side facing me.  I say, "Love you...Good Night".  He responds with, "Love you too...Good Night".  I reach out my right hand and he gives me his and he rubs my hand until we both begin to doze off.  Normally he does the dozing long before me.  Eventually his body begins the "jerking" movements and I gently take my hand away as I know from experience that his jerking movements could cause my hand to fly.  

Last night was no different than any other night.  I felt fairly relaxed.  We held hands.  My husband rolled over on to his right side.  And then it began.  I first felt it in my lower bowels.  A sort of fullness.  Almost pressure-like on my lower back.  Then my chest became tight as though a band was squeezing me.  My ears began to ring and my head felt full and heavy.  My feet and hands began to burn - like nerve endings on fire.  It began to run up my legs and stopped at my knees - making my knee caps feel loose and as though they were being pulled out of my body.  My heart began to race and I could hear the "thud, thud, boom, boom" over and over in my ears.  "Oh no", I thought to myself.  "What IS this?".  I had NEVER felt it to this extreme.  I hid under the blankets and breathed.  My arms became heavy and it was as though a thousand little bugs were travelling under my skin - scurrying around and leaving me feeling cold and scared.  My intestines felt like snakes slithering in my stomach.  My joints began to ache and the nerves in my body were consumed with shocks and jolts.  I could not move.  After about 1/2 hour of this, I began to quietly cry.  It would not stop and I had no idea how long it would last.  All I knew was if it got up and moved around, disaster would strike.  I would allow it to manifest into a panic attack and I refused to do that.  So I just took it.  I was hyper-aware of every nerve, cell and organ in my body.  I began to cry again, this time quietly whispering my husband's name - hoping he was awake and could comfort me.  No such luck.  Deep down I was relieved because I didn't want to wake him on a work night.  So I just accepted it.  I listened to my "Healing music" on my iPod, and I breathed through each and every pain, twitch and surge of adrenaline.  The last thing I remember was feeling my pulse in my neck and then hiding under the covers like a child afraid of the boogeyman.  I woke up 7 hours later and faced the feeling once again - only on a lesser degree.  I curled into the fetal position, closed my eyes, breathed through the sensations, and drifted off again for 1 more hour.  

In the end, it wasn't so bad...although I wouldn't have said that during the experience.  I worked through it - whatever "it" was.  I try to see it as my body working overtime to heal a part of the "damaged me" from the Benzos.  I didn't have this feeling pre-Benzos, so I know where it is coming from.  I figure this can't last forever.  It's 11am as I type this, and so far no maybe my body was doing something good last night.  And I did it!  I worked through a frightening feeling with breathing, visualization and a few quiet tears.  Once again proving that when I am fully healed from the effects of Benzos, I will be able to take on just about anything.  It almost makes me thankful for this difficult and long journey - because for the first time ever, at the age of 33, I truly know how strong I am.  We are all capable of so much more than we ever could imagine. 

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