It's 4:30am and I am wide awake. I don't want to be. About 30 minutes ago I woke up and was surprised to see it wasn't light out yet. I looked at the clock and it was only 4am. I took a deep breath and got out of bed to go to the washroom. I came back to bed and within seconds felt my body unable to relax. My mind was racing and I looked out the window, hoping it was become miraculously light outside, and I could relax in knowing I had actually got more sleep. It shouldn't bother me that I woke up. Sometimes we just do, right? But why couldn't my body and mind relax?
My heart beat began to race and the "boom boom's" rang in my ears like mini drums. I felt a cold sweat coming on and then my abdomen tightened. I felt as though my stomach blew up like a balloon. I noticed the molars on the right side of my mouth ached and I knew I had been clenching my teeth in my sleep. My legs ached - a flu-like ache that I experience quite often since being on and coming off of Benzos. A very common withdrawal effect. I was getting hit with it all - and was totally aware of every little feeling. I began to shake and whimper quietly. We often let our daughter sleep in our bed on the weekend, and when ti's our bed time we transfer her back to her own bed...tonight I was too tired to do this so I just went straight to her bed instead. At least now I could whimper or cry without waking my husband.
I got up and paced. Even though I am experiencing less and less of the night time attacks I can't help want to scream out, "Will this ever go away???!!!". I walked downstairs and grabbed out laptop. I wanted to wake my husband, but chose not to. I grabbed some Papaya Extract for the heartburn I could feel coming on. I walked back up to my daughter's bedroom and got under her warm blankets...and here I am. This blog has been a great distraction at times like these. I loathe this. I don't want to be up at 5:20am (presently), waiting for the adrenaline to pass so I can hopefully fall back asleep. I hate that the lack of sleep can often turn my following day upside down. For ANY person, a lack of sleep can throw us off entirely. However, now that my Central Nervous System is healing, the littlest of things can set me RIGHT off the map. It's at times very frustrating, but I have somewhat accepted it.
My teeth ache and it reminds me I have to schedule an appointment with my dentist to be fitted for a night guard. He said I have worn down my teeth considerably and should be wearing a night guard to prevent any further issues. My legs are twitching and my skin crawls. My joints ache and it is actually difficult to type with my right hand. It feels stiff and it throbs. I have a "lump in my throat" sensation that I have daily. This is a very common side effect to coming off of SSRI's as well. The feeling doesn't make me nervous, but it is a constant reminder I'm still healing.
It's now 5:29am. I am going to attempt to sleep. At least this attack is more of a mini attack. Not nearly as long lasting or severe as the previous months. A good sign perhaps? Could it be that the "big ones" are finally biding adieu? I won't hold my breath, but the thought is nice. I will now put on my iPod, listen to relaxing music, and hopefully drift off to dreamland. Where teeth are no longer clenched and nervous energy no longer exists. Every single night, my 8 year old daughter asks me, "What should I dream about". I answer with something magnificent and magical, and she thinks about that dream as she rests her eyes and falls into dreamland. Maybe I'll take a cue from her and do the same for myself tonight. I'll dream about feeling good, being with friends, dancing and laughter. About happy times to come and making dreams come true. Good Night.
* As a follow-up. It is now 10:46am the following morning. Did I sleep? Not much. In fact things worsened. I handled it well and barely cried and did NOT attempt to wake my husband up. Instead I just stayed in bed and took it. Every time I began to sleep, my body "rejected" the thought and iti would jolt me wide away - like a thousand mini currents running through my legs, arms and chest. I would then attempt it again, only to be jolted once again. This happened till 9am. I finally got some "solid" sleep from 9am-10am. Not enough for one night, but it will do. Better than nothing. I know this is withdrawal because these are feelings I've had only since being on Benzodiazepines. I know it will pass eventually, so I am learning A LOT about patience and taking it a day at a time. I'm human and at times cry our of frustration, but once again I feel somewhat "pleased" with how I handled yet another bad night.
And I hope for a better one tonight.