I thought I'd begin to share some of my journal entries. No one has read them before. I think it's possibly the most logical way for you as the reader to delve into my reality these past 2+ years. To live it. Most of my entries were done in point form as I would normally write when I was anxious and it made it easier to "blurt" it out on to paper by using point form instead of a structured sentence.
The following entries are from when I was still on my full dose of Clonazepam and in what is called "tolerance withdrawal". This is when you are giving your body a daily dose of Benzodiazepines without increasing your dose - and your body literally screams at you because you don't increase the dose. Some people can then begin to feel heightened anxiety, panic, stomach upset, headaches, chills, flu-like symptoms, etc. The list is never-ending.
August 6, 2010:
- stomach gurgling (upper)
- diarrhea now happening
- fear of getting sick...please no
- have to clean neighbour's house in the morning...I've done it before feeling like this and I can do it again...but I'm scared
- need someone to talk to
- mom and dad are on vacation and "husband" is sleeping
- cleaned neighbour's house yesterday
- found out owner had stomach flu for 6 days
- fear sets in
- an attack hit me before leaving a friend's house last night...felt horrible...felt distant...left ear and side of face felt as thought they were on fire...stomach turned...had to pace her kitchen and her dogs followed me as though they knew something was wrong - they kept an eye on me and made me feel safe...cried...got through it, but not fun
- 3rd "bm" today and it's becoming diarrhea
- feeling tense and jittery
- am I getting sick?
- not sleeping well lately...feel queasy, chilled and have lower abdominal pains
Sept. 9, 2010 (1 day after making the 25% reduction)
- having a rough day
- gone from 1mg to .75mg
- feeling anxious all day
- fear I will burn out
- Day 4 on .75mg
- BAD day...weepy, diarrhea and depressed
- scared this will set me back
- feel pressure to be "better"
- still have the runs
- cramping with it
- crying all the time
- lots of questions for the doctor
- take it a day at a time...
- in 10 nights, I've have 3 nights of good sleep
- 2 days now of having diarrhea and cramping again
- feeling panicky...getting through it but it's not easy
- is this the meds? is this all in my head?
- want to scream/cry and hurt myself...but can't
- why does this have to take so long? it feels never ending. what is happening to me?
- need to talk to doctor about horrible symptoms since reducing dose
- Symptoms: stomach "flips", toes/feet/legs go ice cold, arms tingle from upper to fingertips, my breath feels cold - almost like stepping outside in minus degree weather, heart races, dizzy, lump in throat, queasy, diarrhea
- I'm scared and just want to cry
- feeling flushed and warm...my legs ache again
- when will this go away?
I thank you for taking the time to read my posts. Not only is this blogging experience therapeutic for me, but my hope is that it reaches out to others.