Sunday, 30 October 2011

Sick. So Incredibly Sick.

Last night I slept fine until I woke up 1/2 way through the night with horrible fear.  I remained very still in bed the entire time, unable to move even a finger.  It was as though a monster was lurking through the room and I knew if I made one sound it would lunge at me.  So I remained completely still for what seemed like hours.  The feeling of something trying to push through my stomach made me feel uneasy to say the least.  My heart raced.  It was a very unsettling night, but I made it through and was able to eventually fall back asleep around 6am. 

Today I have kept myself busy.  Taking down curtains and washing them one by one.  Washing floors.  Cleaning the toilets.  Anything to keep my mind off of how I REALLY feel.  The adrenaline surges are almost unbearable, creating electric zap feelings all throughout my abdomen and chest.  My fingers ache and as I type this I feel as though they aren't as mobile as usual.  The nausea is unrelenting.  I have eaten ginger chew after ginger chew, hoping one of them would make a difference.  I tried a papaya enzyme since I recently read it can help as well.  No relief whatsoever.  So it's on a day like today where I feel hopeless.  I have no idea how long this will last.  As of now it's been like this for 7 hours.  I've cried several times.  I have wanted to punch walls and kick furniture.  I HAVE kicked the laundry baskets.  And thrown the curtains across the laundry room before I washed them.  The rage inside of me is driving me slightly crazy.  Every noise my husband makes...every sound from the television my daughter makes my blood boil inside.  I want to scream and tell the world to leave me alone.  Let me wallow in my sorrow and curl up in bed and scream as loud as I want to. 

I have been barely able to eat for three days now.  Normally during the day I'm lucky if I can stomach some Green Tea and an applesauce.  By evening my appetite slowly comes back and I am able to eat a bowl of plain pasta or some toast.  Even drinking is proving to be difficult.  My appetite was recently getting better.  I was introducing more foods and beginning to enjoy food again.  It feels so discouraging to get hit with this all over again. 

All this from a little orange pill?  A single orange pill taken daily for approximately 3 years, and this is what I get months after taking my last dose?  I panic today at the shear thought that this could go on for several more months.  Please no.  I am "done".  I say this often because it's the only way to describe how I feel on a day like today.  I am done.  Done with the nausea, panic and pain.  Done with the emotional roller coaster.  Done with having to explain myself to friends.  Done with feeling like I need to apologize for this...even though my family and friends say, "don't apologize".  Done with wondering if people think strangely of me.  Done.

For anyone who reads this and is going through Benzo Withdrawal, or is nearing the end of their taper and is fearful of what may happen once they are done, please know it is quite normal to feel worse before you feel fully better.  Many people who taper off of Benzos, find that from months 2-4-, 3-5 or 4-6, they are hit with a tidal wave of side effects.  It can be extremely discouraging, but once this wave passes, it seems as though many people find they see huge overall improvement and are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  This wave began hitting me at 3 months off, and although I am having some extremely rough days, I also find that when I do have a good day or even a good moment, it is VERY good.  Far better than months prior.  So the healing is happening.  It just has a mind of its own and likes to take its sweet time.  Please feel free to speed things up a bit.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah I can't even imagine how it feels to go through this, especially for hours at a time. But I firmly support you in this journey and am home a lot of days--so if you want to message me on facebook or ANYTHING I here :)