Friday, 28 October 2011

The Aches, The Fear and The Adrenaline...OH MY!

It's almost noon.  My daughter is at school and it is the Friday before Halloween.  I am sitting here crying.  It's sunny outside and the squirrels are working in full force.  Something I LOVE to watch.   I have fresh tomato sauce with basil cooking on the stove top.  Music is playing.  And I can't stop crying.  I feel like every side effect I ever had during my 10 month taper is hitting me today.  Dental pain, muscle aches, queasy stomach with loss of appetite, headache, tense neck, panic and fear, dizziness and muscle twitches.  I feel so alone and although I could call someone to talk, I think, "why bother?".  It's the same old news.

I am now 3 months off of Benzodiazepines, and many people get hit with a few final walls during the healing process around this time.  I believe I've hit one of those walls.  The panic attacks are becoming more frequent and I find myself losing my appetite again.  Just as I was getting it back and enjoying food again!  I am still having some good moments and a few days ago I had a FULL good day.  Not fully symptom free, but very tolerable and I felt happy and full of energy.  Today I just want to curl up in bed, fall asleep, and forget today ever happened.  On a day like today, I can't help but feel sorry for myself for even just a minute.  A lot of "Why me?" or "When will this end?" questions pop up in my head.  Then I quickly tell myself to stop thinking like that and to just move along and trudge through.  I find myself talking to the empty rooms in my house as I walk and pace to burn off the unwanted adrenaline.

I feel like I have the flu.  So is it the flu?  Probably not.  Many people who come off of Benzodiazepines experience something called Benzo Flu.  You don't get a fever, but your muscles ache and you have an underlying "unwell" feeling.  You know it's not the flu because of the lack of fever and the symptoms come and go - and sometimes when they come they last for only an hour or so.  Today it has all crept up on me and as the day progresses it seems to just get worse.  My teeth ache and although I've booked a dentist appointment to have them checked next week, I wonder if I'm clenching or grinding my teeth with all the panic attacks I've endured lately.

I am also experiencing this feeling that many call depersonalization or derealization.  It's almost an "out of body" feeling.  I am having it the strongest I have ever experienced today.  Right now in fact.  My breathing is fast and my ears feel plugged.  I am aware I'm in the family room, but then it feels like I'm not really in my body...I've drifted off somewhere and in order to feel present again I have to look around the room to remind myself I am in fact HERE.  It's a bizarre feeling and scary if you don't know what it is.  Scary even if you DO know what it is.  I know it's a very common side effect to coming off of Benzos as well as SSRI's.  I rarely had it during my taper and if I did it was very short-lived and mild in comparison to what I have lately.  It only comes on when I'm very anxious.  

It's sunny outside and I wish I could enjoy it more.  But I will get up off the couch once I post this, continue cooking tonight's dinner, do some laundry, wash some floors...and maybe during one of those tasks I'll find the symptoms have passed, because just as quickly as they can come on, they can also leave.  I look forward to the days when this is far behind me and the word "withdrawal" isn't a part of my vocabulary...I know it's on its way.

No comments:

Post a Comment