My daughter is in grade 4, and in grade 4 the children learn how to prepare and present a speech on a topic of their choice. My daughter has been thinking about this speech for many months - anticipating the moment her teacher would announce, "Okay class, this week we are going to begin preparing a speech that you will present in front of your classmates...3 winners will be chosen to then present in the gym in front of the school".
The day it was announced, my daughter came home with a nervous expression across her face.
"She said we don't HAVE to write a long speech...we can write a short speech, a poem, or make a Power Point presentation....but the only way to make it to the gym is to write a long speech. Will you be upset if I don't write a long speech, Mommy"?
"No", I replied, "of course not...BUT...I think you should think about at least trying...nothing bad can come of trying, right"?
So off she went to her room to think. She always needs this quiet, alone time to think things through.
"Mommy", she said as she approached me in the kitchen. "I think I've decided to do the long speech to see if I can make it to the gym".
So then came the topic. Very quickly she decided to choose "Natural Remedies" as her topic. It was a topic she knew her Mommy and Daddy would know a lot about, and it was something different that most wouldn't discuss. Within a few days the speech was written and the practising and memorizing began.
Up to her room she'd go to "present" in front of her stuffed animals. Each evening she'd do this, and then finish off with one more round in front of her Daddy and I.
By speech day she was fully prepared - and nervous - and excited.
She was so proud that evening when it was all done - well, quietly proud, the way she always is.
Days later she came barrelling out of school with a smile almost as big as her face. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what? I made it to a SPEECH OFF in front of the class with five other students"!
This meant that her teacher couldn't choose 3 winners from the class, so she'd need to hear 6 speeches again to make her final decision. A couple of days later, she would present in front of her peers again. She was so excited to have this opportunity to possibly make it to the gym. But that Tuesday afternoon, when she came home after learning the results from the speech off, she cried, "I didn't make it". And just like any other Mom, your heart drops and you hug your child and hope that a snuggle and kiss on the head will make her feel better. But it doesn't. So up to her room she went where she cried to her Bear while I sat on the couch and listened.
That evening while chatting with her about her day, I said that the main thing was that she TRIED. She tried and made it as far as the "speech off". THAT was something big to be proud of. I said that the next morning she needed to go into her class and become a "coach" of sorts to those who did make it to the gym and needed practice. She knew that one boy in particular was very nervous, so I said it would be nice to offer help to him in ways of being a "listener". She loved that idea and proudly walked into school the next morning ready to help if need be.
We have friends who share our interest in natural remedies and if fact they are the people who initially inspired us to look at what we eat and put into our bodies on a daily basis. They have shared many of their thoughts on nutrition, and what's great is that they don't expect others to take on their ideas...they encourage you to form your own with the information that is available. So we have. We have read, and read, and read some more...and we have agreed with some things and disagreed with others. We've picked and chosen what works for our small family.
This friend was someone who I shared my daughter's "speech story" with as I know she and her husband would appreciate that our daughter had absorbed all this information and was developing a passion for health. It was so exciting to hear our daughter come home from school and say, "One of the boys went home and told his Mommy and Daddy about the natural remedies we use for colds and his Daddy said they might try them next time they are sick" Her speech didn't only reach out to some of the classmates, but also to their parents!
SO, this is where we get to the title of this blog post...World Changer. When I wrote an e-mail to this Mom who has inspired us these past few years, telling her that our daughter didn't make it to "the gym" and was disappointed, the Mom wrote me back later that night and told me to let my daughter know she was proud of her and that she is a "world changer". She then told my daughter in person the next day after school, and it stuck.
When we have children, we hope they will be respectful and kind. We hope they will be sympathetic enough that they can cry with a friend, but strong enough to stand up to the plate once in awhile. We hope they will learn to accept others but be aware of right from wrong. So when my friend called my daughter a world changer, it gave me this overwhelming feeling of "I've done my job". Not because she wrote a great speech, but because she had been able to learn to look past the "who won" aspect of it and instead looked at how she had affected others with her words.
Each and every one of us has little "World Changers" at home. Because every child is capable of kindness, respect and creating new ideas. They may not all be straight A students or top athletes - but they can learn that a simple smile can make another child's day. They can learn that perhaps those 20 Barbies can be divided and 5 can go to charity. They can learn that as they grow older, they shouldn't fear every stranger that crosses their path, and instead greet with a "hello" while in passing. And most importantly, they can learn that the words they choose to use can have a great impact on others.
It's not the marks my daughter brings home from school that tell me "I've done my job" - because she did that on her own. She has a passion for school and with that comes an interest in learning. But she still has her academic struggles from time to time, as most children do. So when that report card comes home, it's not the A's and B's that make me feel proud - it's the words her teacher says to describe my daughter's kindness and willingness to help others. That's when I beam. And that's why my daughter - at the age of 9 - FINALLY just understood the relevance of those "A's and B's". I've always focused on the words and not the letters. I allowed her to figure out the letter grades on her own, because at the end of the day, as long as she has tried her best and put respect first, then THAT is why I think she'll become a World Changer.
Our children are these beautiful little sponges that take in more information than we are aware of. They watch every move we make and listen to every word spoken. It's why my counsellor (who I visited when I was tapering off of Benzodiazepines) taught me not to hide my emotions from my daughter, but to instead explain them to her...because "what you teach her from your fears, frustration and tears, is more than she will ever learn from a textbook". Words well spoken.
"Children seldom misquote. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said". ~Author Unknown
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
Friday, 22 February 2013
19 Months Free...The Really Good, And The Still Lingering
I am officially 19 months and 3 days free. Free of ALL meds. Never again will I take one and NEVER do I have the urge to go back.
Things have steadily improved since I last wrote. I needed a break from the blog as I felt I was becoming a bit of a broken record, and I prefer to write when I have something new and hopefully enlightening to tell.
I had a wonderful Christmas, and though I still felt some physical side effects and the occasional bout of tough anxiety, I truly enjoyed it this year. The past 2 were pretty tough - lots of anxiety and nausea. It was nice to genuinely enjoy it this time.
The last full blown "oh my goodness this is going to do me in" panic attack was at the end of November - and it was a tough one. I was up till 6am with aches, pains and fear.
That WAS the last one, until this past Friday night. One week ago. I had felt it brewing all day but never thought it would turn into "one of those". But it did, and it hit hard. My arm was jerking, body tense and in pain, and the tears flowed for quite awhile. I was up till 3:30am with that one. So not AS bad as the one 3 months ago...but not fun at all. Since that night things have been a bit intense physically.
The internal restlessness has returned just a enough to remind me of "those days". The lower back pain has slowed me down (just a bit) and the nausea has reared it's ugly head a handful of times. But the thing that is bringing me down is the IBS pains. The lower cramps are at times enough to put me into a sweat. And I don't have a clue what to do. I eat healthy foods ALL the time. I only drink water. What else can I do? I've done some yoga, I walk each day and I keep active at home. But the pain just won't end.
So here I am , it's 1:28am, and I can't sleep. I am tired, but the pain is like a spasm that has me running to the washroom - only to rarely turn into anything at all. So I just sit there in pain. My ovaries ache as well, which then makes me mind spin and wonder, "Is this something else? Am I putting the blame on Benzos when something sinister is growing inside of me?". My head is spinning tonight as I'm tired out and ready for a good night's sleep, but my body refuses to allow it.
When I first became "Benzo Free", I just assumed deep down that I would be healed by the 18 month mark. So when 18 months came, I had a real mix of happiness and frustration. Happy to be FREE of the meds, but frustrated my journey wasn't over. I have no clue when this will end. My family doctor told me an upwards of 2-3 years for many - and I've read that online over and over. But of course you want to think optimistically - "I will beat this quicker than you all!". I LOATHE talking about this anymore which is why I've been neglecting the blog as well. I truly want this over with. I know I may deal with anxiety for the rest of my life (though I'm confident I've learned so much from this journey that I will cope well with it), but this part of my journey can't end soon enough. Just to get through an entire day with NO pain. I don't know what that's like anymore.
If I look back at all the symptoms I've had throughout this recovery, the ones I'd say are gone or are rarely seen:
Tinnitus
"Itchy organs"
Fear over exercise (I've recently started to "really" workout - going well)
Arm jerks (only during a full blown attack)
Heavy head
Head pressure
Finger/joint pain
Depression
Electric shock feeling
Insomnia
The ones that linger every so slightly:
Headaches
Neck stiffness and pain
Dizzy spells
Crying spells (that come out of nowhere)
Full Panic Attacks
Nervous energy
The ones that are sticking around for a while longer:
Nausea
Rib pain
Intestinal pain and cramping
Muscle aches in legs and back
Shingles-like pain (nerve pain that is sharp and prickly)
Pain under right rib cage (this was gone for some time but is back now)
Adrenaline rushes
Mentally, I feel good. I'm still working through anxiety that comes on out of nowhere, but I am very HAPPY. I smile a lot and laugh. I enjoy life. I feel very fortunate for not only an understanding and supportive husband, but also a daughter (who at 9 amazes me daily with the amount of love and empathy she has), parents, brother and sister-in-law, family and friends. I have some pretty amazing people in my life.
I'm definitely at a point now in my recovery where I can sit back and think, "WOW, it was really THAT bad!". All the sleepless nights, the 5+ hour long panic attacks, the CONSTANT fear of anything and everything. I was basically a ball of nerves 24/7. It went on for MANY months and it was totally and utterly exhausting.
But here I am at 19 months with another bump in the road. Hopefully it becomes smooth again soon and stays that way for awhile. And ONE day (hopefully in the near future), my official "It's all over!" story will come.
On a side note, it was recently Mental Health Awareness Week here, and it really brought on the passion I now have for this. If you read my blog and aren't a "believer" in the pain (mental and physical) anxiety and/or depression can cause, then I hope you sit back and think to yourself:
If you sat here in your bedroom today, looked outside and thought - "I don't want to be here anymore. I am nothing but a nuisance to the people I love. I hate having to fight to get through each day. I hate having to cry myself to sleep. I hate feeling lonely even though I'm surrounded by people I love" - would you not hope you had just ONE person in your life who cared enough to stand up for you, hold you, love you, and tell you, "YOU ARE WORTH IT...we can do this together". If you went to work each day - to a job you once loved - but couldn't put a single thought on paper, couldn't socialize with co-workers as it brought on instant anxiety, and cried alone in your car or in the bathroom...wouldn't you hope that someone, just ONE person, stopped by your desk one morning and said, "Hi...I know something's not right...please know I care and if you need someone, we can talk"?
So many people struggle with these issues - whether med-induced or not. It's one of the loneliest places to exist, and unfortunately with all the material out there at our fingertips, many still don't "get it". It doesn't mean you have to understand the way they feel as not everyone does experience these emotions...but where is the empathy? I have been fortunate to have all but a few people in my present life "get it as much as they could". They took the time to read "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal". And that meant the WORLD to me (and my family) during my darkest time ever.
I leave you now with this quote that sums it up perfectly:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
- Henri J.M. Nouwen
You know it's a serious issue when t-shirts are made...courtesy of zazzle.ca
Things have steadily improved since I last wrote. I needed a break from the blog as I felt I was becoming a bit of a broken record, and I prefer to write when I have something new and hopefully enlightening to tell.
I had a wonderful Christmas, and though I still felt some physical side effects and the occasional bout of tough anxiety, I truly enjoyed it this year. The past 2 were pretty tough - lots of anxiety and nausea. It was nice to genuinely enjoy it this time.
The last full blown "oh my goodness this is going to do me in" panic attack was at the end of November - and it was a tough one. I was up till 6am with aches, pains and fear.
That WAS the last one, until this past Friday night. One week ago. I had felt it brewing all day but never thought it would turn into "one of those". But it did, and it hit hard. My arm was jerking, body tense and in pain, and the tears flowed for quite awhile. I was up till 3:30am with that one. So not AS bad as the one 3 months ago...but not fun at all. Since that night things have been a bit intense physically.
The internal restlessness has returned just a enough to remind me of "those days". The lower back pain has slowed me down (just a bit) and the nausea has reared it's ugly head a handful of times. But the thing that is bringing me down is the IBS pains. The lower cramps are at times enough to put me into a sweat. And I don't have a clue what to do. I eat healthy foods ALL the time. I only drink water. What else can I do? I've done some yoga, I walk each day and I keep active at home. But the pain just won't end.
So here I am , it's 1:28am, and I can't sleep. I am tired, but the pain is like a spasm that has me running to the washroom - only to rarely turn into anything at all. So I just sit there in pain. My ovaries ache as well, which then makes me mind spin and wonder, "Is this something else? Am I putting the blame on Benzos when something sinister is growing inside of me?". My head is spinning tonight as I'm tired out and ready for a good night's sleep, but my body refuses to allow it.
When I first became "Benzo Free", I just assumed deep down that I would be healed by the 18 month mark. So when 18 months came, I had a real mix of happiness and frustration. Happy to be FREE of the meds, but frustrated my journey wasn't over. I have no clue when this will end. My family doctor told me an upwards of 2-3 years for many - and I've read that online over and over. But of course you want to think optimistically - "I will beat this quicker than you all!". I LOATHE talking about this anymore which is why I've been neglecting the blog as well. I truly want this over with. I know I may deal with anxiety for the rest of my life (though I'm confident I've learned so much from this journey that I will cope well with it), but this part of my journey can't end soon enough. Just to get through an entire day with NO pain. I don't know what that's like anymore.
If I look back at all the symptoms I've had throughout this recovery, the ones I'd say are gone or are rarely seen:
Tinnitus
"Itchy organs"
Fear over exercise (I've recently started to "really" workout - going well)
Arm jerks (only during a full blown attack)
Heavy head
Head pressure
Finger/joint pain
Depression
Electric shock feeling
Insomnia
The ones that linger every so slightly:
Headaches
Neck stiffness and pain
Dizzy spells
Crying spells (that come out of nowhere)
Full Panic Attacks
Nervous energy
The ones that are sticking around for a while longer:
Nausea
Rib pain
Intestinal pain and cramping
Muscle aches in legs and back
Shingles-like pain (nerve pain that is sharp and prickly)
Pain under right rib cage (this was gone for some time but is back now)
Adrenaline rushes
Mentally, I feel good. I'm still working through anxiety that comes on out of nowhere, but I am very HAPPY. I smile a lot and laugh. I enjoy life. I feel very fortunate for not only an understanding and supportive husband, but also a daughter (who at 9 amazes me daily with the amount of love and empathy she has), parents, brother and sister-in-law, family and friends. I have some pretty amazing people in my life.
I'm definitely at a point now in my recovery where I can sit back and think, "WOW, it was really THAT bad!". All the sleepless nights, the 5+ hour long panic attacks, the CONSTANT fear of anything and everything. I was basically a ball of nerves 24/7. It went on for MANY months and it was totally and utterly exhausting.
But here I am at 19 months with another bump in the road. Hopefully it becomes smooth again soon and stays that way for awhile. And ONE day (hopefully in the near future), my official "It's all over!" story will come.
On a side note, it was recently Mental Health Awareness Week here, and it really brought on the passion I now have for this. If you read my blog and aren't a "believer" in the pain (mental and physical) anxiety and/or depression can cause, then I hope you sit back and think to yourself:
If you sat here in your bedroom today, looked outside and thought - "I don't want to be here anymore. I am nothing but a nuisance to the people I love. I hate having to fight to get through each day. I hate having to cry myself to sleep. I hate feeling lonely even though I'm surrounded by people I love" - would you not hope you had just ONE person in your life who cared enough to stand up for you, hold you, love you, and tell you, "YOU ARE WORTH IT...we can do this together". If you went to work each day - to a job you once loved - but couldn't put a single thought on paper, couldn't socialize with co-workers as it brought on instant anxiety, and cried alone in your car or in the bathroom...wouldn't you hope that someone, just ONE person, stopped by your desk one morning and said, "Hi...I know something's not right...please know I care and if you need someone, we can talk"?
So many people struggle with these issues - whether med-induced or not. It's one of the loneliest places to exist, and unfortunately with all the material out there at our fingertips, many still don't "get it". It doesn't mean you have to understand the way they feel as not everyone does experience these emotions...but where is the empathy? I have been fortunate to have all but a few people in my present life "get it as much as they could". They took the time to read "Benzodiazepine Withdrawal". And that meant the WORLD to me (and my family) during my darkest time ever.
I leave you now with this quote that sums it up perfectly:
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
- Henri J.M. Nouwen
Wednesday, 7 November 2012
How Life Is...Med Free
I am fast approaching the 16 month mark! It's amazing to think I used to believe I'd need medication to lead a happy and anxious-free life. I now know I can do this and don't ever feel the "urge" to turn back to meds. Of course I still get anxious - most people do to some degree...however now I feel much more in control of my anxiety. And yes that means that some times I still have to rely on an emergency phone call to my husband at work, my parents, or a dear friend...but all and all I manage on my own. So how do I combat the anxiety naturally?
1) Breathing - something everyone says to do and many who suffer from anxiety just want to roll their eyes at it...but it works. Focus on your breath. Feel the cool air travel through your body. Be aware you are alive and breathing, and that all is well with you. Your body is in fight or flight mode and even though it is pumping enough adrenaline through you to allow you to run a marathon, you are NOT running a marathon...so just allow the adrenaline to flow and breath along with it.
2) Pacing - something I was taught NOT to do as it is seen as "fighting" the anxiety...but you know what? It helps, and it helps A LOT. So I pace, and pace, and pace some more. I have paced to the point my legs ache...and it doesn't matter because eventually my anxiety subsides.
3) Fluids - I lose a lot of fluids when in anxiety mode. My bladder works over time and I will easily urinate up to 5 or 6 times while anxious. So I try to take small sips of water along the mini journey.
4) Talking - Although I can hide my anxiety VERY well (I like to think of myself as a pro of sorts), sometimes I can't conceal it...and trying to hide it only makes things worse. So instead feeling alone and completely frightened, I make a point of sharing my anxiety with the person I'm with. If I'm out with a friend, instead of worrying I'll ruin the mood by being anxious, I just allow myself to be ME...and I confide in my friend. "I just need to say this, but right now I'm really not feeling my best...really anxious...so just bear with me...you don't have to do anything different...it just makes me feel better to share". And it takes a load off! I have been very fortunate to have amazing friends in my life who "get it" as much as they can. Many of them suffer from anxiety at some level as well and know the feeling themselves...others never experience it but are just kind and loving people who LISTEN and BELIEVE. Thank you for amazing friends with kind hearts.
5) Crying - When all else fails. Cry. Crying is incredibly therapeutic and releases emotions. And sometimes a good crying session while in an anxious state can be just what you need. Crying only shows we are human. I think it's quite a beautiful thing to be able to show that side openly. I believe it's a sign of confidence and truthfulness.
6) Acceptance - The level of anxiety I experience nowadays is less than a year ago, and I presume that a year from now it will be even less as I heal more and more...but "med-induced anxiety" or "normal anxiety" - it doesn't matter - the more you fight it the worst it becomes. It is something I don't know if I'll ever "master", but I try. My husband and I were comparing "anxiety notes" recently after he became anxious one night. For my husband, the fear that hits him is the fear of death. He believes fully that he will die. His heart pounds and his mind races and he believes a heart attack is on its way. For myself, I fear going insane and literally exploding. My body is filled with adrenaline and fear and the only way to get through it is pace and move and talk and cry. If I try to stay still and "accept", this crazy surge of adrenaline only hits me harder and that is when they "Oh my gosh, here we go, I am officially going to lose it" fear comes in to play. Accepting is something that I think most struggle with...and that's okay. All we can do is try.
These are the tools that have helped me. It's not easy. I loathe anxiety, but I'm learning how to live with it. I'm not sure what level of anxiety I'll have to live with in the future. I know I'm not healed from the damage the Benzodiazepines did, so only time will tell. But I am confident now that anxiety can be dealt with on a more natural level. If I could get through the shear terror those meds instilled in me for 2+ years...I can handle "normal" anxiety. Without a doubt.
So what is lingering at (almost) 16 months med free? Mainly physical withdrawal effects. Nausea being the worst still...I'm hit with it right now as I type this and about 1 hour ago I had a mini-cry on my husband's shoulder. "Why do I still get so sick? I am ready for the nausea to be over with". I'm not nauseous every day, but most days lately I seem to get hit with bouts of it - some last minutes, others last hours...today is an "hours" day.
The other physical withdrawal effects that linger are: achy legs, rib pain (feels like my ribs shift and at times crack), shooting bone pain in arms and upper back, teeth pain (my teeth will ache for hours at a time, then it literally just stops and goes away for days) and some GI discomfort (though less and less each month). Also, my physical problems worsen with my period and ovulation - BIG TIME. Women who come off of Benzos often find that the most stubborn withdrawal effect is the horrible PMS and ovulation. And my horrible I mean "normal bad PMS" times a hundred. Possibly a thousand.
Mentally, I am feeling fairly good. My mind isn't as clear as I'd like it...I find I get easily distracted and although my motivation level can be amazing some days, other days it is close to zero. On the "zero" days I feel mildly depressed, but I can still smile, laugh and enjoy life. It's a VERY mild depression...more of a "blah". Anxiety is still quite present but some days there is very little. I'd say months 12-14 were very difficult with the anxiety. It came back with a vengeance and I was feeling pretty discouraged some days. But it has settled again and it is much more manageable. I still have some OCD thinking. I am not a fan of "germs" but hope to work through it over the years. I never used to be fearful of germs - at all. The fear mainly came on while on Benzos. So my hope is that it will naturally pass on its own over the years. Until then I will wash my hands and do the things that make me feel more at ease. When I was tapering off of the meds I had to wash my hands 3 times in a row - that has gone. Sure I still do it occasionally but it's not a "need" so much now.
I do find the smallest of stress will bring on crazy symptoms. What would be an "Oh man...really?!" reaction for most, becomes a horrible waves of nausea, shaking and overall unsettled feeling for me, and it can last hours. So I've had to learn to talk myself through those moments. A year or so ago I was seeing a therapist who had once been an addictions counsellor. She was well aware of the long-term effects of Benzos and was great support for me when I initially came off of them. She explained the significance of "PAWS" (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It can hit people for up to several years post drugs (or in my case, prescribed meds). She told me that for quite awhile, I was going to have to be "kind" to myself. I now know what she meant by that. Even though it's impossible to hide and shield myself from stress of all kinds, I do need to be good to myself...keep people out of my daily life who only bring on stress or drama...learn to say "no"...not be Superwoman. I've always had a hard time saying no but I'm getting better at it. I will always be a giver - it would be unnatural for me to NOT be this way...but I have to learn to also put myself first once in awhile - even if it's in subtle ways.
To sum it up, I can say with 100% confidence that after each bad wave, I can see progress. I will get hit with a week or two - sometimes a month or two - of really intense symptoms. But when they finally let up, I can slowly see the healing that is taking place. It's always discouraging when I get hit with a day of major nausea (like today), but I also see my reaction to it. Tonight I managed to bake a cake for my family and even crack a joke or two...all while feeling the need to stretch my head over the mixing bowl and dry heave into the kitchen sink. And you KNOW it's Benzo-induced nausea when homemade garlic bread smells delicious...even though you feel completely ill. Benzo-nausea is a one-of-a-kind nausea.
Whew! What a post! I hope to continue this blog for quite some time...and as I heal even more I hope to expand my topics to include more of my family's new "healthy lifestyle". It's not something we try to "preach", but we are excited with our new lifestyle as we have seen so many benefits from it...and who wouldn't want to share something so positive?!
Until then, I will continue to blog my journey as I fully heal. It may take a few more weeks, months or even another year or so, but things are looking up.
1) Breathing - something everyone says to do and many who suffer from anxiety just want to roll their eyes at it...but it works. Focus on your breath. Feel the cool air travel through your body. Be aware you are alive and breathing, and that all is well with you. Your body is in fight or flight mode and even though it is pumping enough adrenaline through you to allow you to run a marathon, you are NOT running a marathon...so just allow the adrenaline to flow and breath along with it.
2) Pacing - something I was taught NOT to do as it is seen as "fighting" the anxiety...but you know what? It helps, and it helps A LOT. So I pace, and pace, and pace some more. I have paced to the point my legs ache...and it doesn't matter because eventually my anxiety subsides.
3) Fluids - I lose a lot of fluids when in anxiety mode. My bladder works over time and I will easily urinate up to 5 or 6 times while anxious. So I try to take small sips of water along the mini journey.
4) Talking - Although I can hide my anxiety VERY well (I like to think of myself as a pro of sorts), sometimes I can't conceal it...and trying to hide it only makes things worse. So instead feeling alone and completely frightened, I make a point of sharing my anxiety with the person I'm with. If I'm out with a friend, instead of worrying I'll ruin the mood by being anxious, I just allow myself to be ME...and I confide in my friend. "I just need to say this, but right now I'm really not feeling my best...really anxious...so just bear with me...you don't have to do anything different...it just makes me feel better to share". And it takes a load off! I have been very fortunate to have amazing friends in my life who "get it" as much as they can. Many of them suffer from anxiety at some level as well and know the feeling themselves...others never experience it but are just kind and loving people who LISTEN and BELIEVE. Thank you for amazing friends with kind hearts.
5) Crying - When all else fails. Cry. Crying is incredibly therapeutic and releases emotions. And sometimes a good crying session while in an anxious state can be just what you need. Crying only shows we are human. I think it's quite a beautiful thing to be able to show that side openly. I believe it's a sign of confidence and truthfulness.
6) Acceptance - The level of anxiety I experience nowadays is less than a year ago, and I presume that a year from now it will be even less as I heal more and more...but "med-induced anxiety" or "normal anxiety" - it doesn't matter - the more you fight it the worst it becomes. It is something I don't know if I'll ever "master", but I try. My husband and I were comparing "anxiety notes" recently after he became anxious one night. For my husband, the fear that hits him is the fear of death. He believes fully that he will die. His heart pounds and his mind races and he believes a heart attack is on its way. For myself, I fear going insane and literally exploding. My body is filled with adrenaline and fear and the only way to get through it is pace and move and talk and cry. If I try to stay still and "accept", this crazy surge of adrenaline only hits me harder and that is when they "Oh my gosh, here we go, I am officially going to lose it" fear comes in to play. Accepting is something that I think most struggle with...and that's okay. All we can do is try.
These are the tools that have helped me. It's not easy. I loathe anxiety, but I'm learning how to live with it. I'm not sure what level of anxiety I'll have to live with in the future. I know I'm not healed from the damage the Benzodiazepines did, so only time will tell. But I am confident now that anxiety can be dealt with on a more natural level. If I could get through the shear terror those meds instilled in me for 2+ years...I can handle "normal" anxiety. Without a doubt.
So what is lingering at (almost) 16 months med free? Mainly physical withdrawal effects. Nausea being the worst still...I'm hit with it right now as I type this and about 1 hour ago I had a mini-cry on my husband's shoulder. "Why do I still get so sick? I am ready for the nausea to be over with". I'm not nauseous every day, but most days lately I seem to get hit with bouts of it - some last minutes, others last hours...today is an "hours" day.
The other physical withdrawal effects that linger are: achy legs, rib pain (feels like my ribs shift and at times crack), shooting bone pain in arms and upper back, teeth pain (my teeth will ache for hours at a time, then it literally just stops and goes away for days) and some GI discomfort (though less and less each month). Also, my physical problems worsen with my period and ovulation - BIG TIME. Women who come off of Benzos often find that the most stubborn withdrawal effect is the horrible PMS and ovulation. And my horrible I mean "normal bad PMS" times a hundred. Possibly a thousand.
Mentally, I am feeling fairly good. My mind isn't as clear as I'd like it...I find I get easily distracted and although my motivation level can be amazing some days, other days it is close to zero. On the "zero" days I feel mildly depressed, but I can still smile, laugh and enjoy life. It's a VERY mild depression...more of a "blah". Anxiety is still quite present but some days there is very little. I'd say months 12-14 were very difficult with the anxiety. It came back with a vengeance and I was feeling pretty discouraged some days. But it has settled again and it is much more manageable. I still have some OCD thinking. I am not a fan of "germs" but hope to work through it over the years. I never used to be fearful of germs - at all. The fear mainly came on while on Benzos. So my hope is that it will naturally pass on its own over the years. Until then I will wash my hands and do the things that make me feel more at ease. When I was tapering off of the meds I had to wash my hands 3 times in a row - that has gone. Sure I still do it occasionally but it's not a "need" so much now.
I do find the smallest of stress will bring on crazy symptoms. What would be an "Oh man...really?!" reaction for most, becomes a horrible waves of nausea, shaking and overall unsettled feeling for me, and it can last hours. So I've had to learn to talk myself through those moments. A year or so ago I was seeing a therapist who had once been an addictions counsellor. She was well aware of the long-term effects of Benzos and was great support for me when I initially came off of them. She explained the significance of "PAWS" (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome). It can hit people for up to several years post drugs (or in my case, prescribed meds). She told me that for quite awhile, I was going to have to be "kind" to myself. I now know what she meant by that. Even though it's impossible to hide and shield myself from stress of all kinds, I do need to be good to myself...keep people out of my daily life who only bring on stress or drama...learn to say "no"...not be Superwoman. I've always had a hard time saying no but I'm getting better at it. I will always be a giver - it would be unnatural for me to NOT be this way...but I have to learn to also put myself first once in awhile - even if it's in subtle ways.
To sum it up, I can say with 100% confidence that after each bad wave, I can see progress. I will get hit with a week or two - sometimes a month or two - of really intense symptoms. But when they finally let up, I can slowly see the healing that is taking place. It's always discouraging when I get hit with a day of major nausea (like today), but I also see my reaction to it. Tonight I managed to bake a cake for my family and even crack a joke or two...all while feeling the need to stretch my head over the mixing bowl and dry heave into the kitchen sink. And you KNOW it's Benzo-induced nausea when homemade garlic bread smells delicious...even though you feel completely ill. Benzo-nausea is a one-of-a-kind nausea.
Whew! What a post! I hope to continue this blog for quite some time...and as I heal even more I hope to expand my topics to include more of my family's new "healthy lifestyle". It's not something we try to "preach", but we are excited with our new lifestyle as we have seen so many benefits from it...and who wouldn't want to share something so positive?!
Until then, I will continue to blog my journey as I fully heal. It may take a few more weeks, months or even another year or so, but things are looking up.
Monday, 29 October 2012
15 months, 10 days, bad night, but better days
All and all I'd say that lately things have been improving a bit (that's in the last week or so...following a rough month or two). I even made it through a "weekend without my husband". Something I could NOT have done a year ago - NO WAY. He is my "safety net". He keeps me sane at moments of pseudo-insanity. But I was fine. Sure I had moments...but I have moments even when he is by my side.
Then there is today: Wow.
Around 4pm, while watching Ellen with my daughter and parents, it all began.
My back felt hot and clammy....as though it was burning, or on fire.
Chills set in. Deep cold...right down to the bone.
Had to urinate time and time again (as I call the "nervous pees").
Adrenaline in my chest and the pit of my stomach. Gurgles began.
3 hours pass and no relief. Then another hour and magic...pouf...it's all gone.
Relieved, I sat on the sofa and happily sang with my daughter and watched her do homework and carve a pumpkin, when it hit.
A brief wave of nausea.
Then another.
The waves began to melt into one large tidal wave.
Now I have cried for 2+ hours.
And after 2+ hours of crying and feeling the intense urge to dry heave, the nausea finally begins to subside.
Only to bring on new things.
Burning skin on my face (feels like my cheeks are on fire).
Neck is covered with a hundred prickles (or feels that way).
Scalp is so itchy I have almost caused it to bleed.
And now the electrical zaps in my pelvis, stomach and chest.
I have read of those who have one last INTENSE surge of withdrawal effects and then wake up "healed". I hope every time I get hit like this that I will wake up tomorrow feeling like "100% Sarah".
Tonight is a bump in the road once again. And it's still as scary as it was a year ago...it just doesn't last as long.
100% Sarah will come when she is ready.
Then there is today: Wow.
Around 4pm, while watching Ellen with my daughter and parents, it all began.
My back felt hot and clammy....as though it was burning, or on fire.
Chills set in. Deep cold...right down to the bone.
Had to urinate time and time again (as I call the "nervous pees").
Adrenaline in my chest and the pit of my stomach. Gurgles began.
3 hours pass and no relief. Then another hour and magic...pouf...it's all gone.
Relieved, I sat on the sofa and happily sang with my daughter and watched her do homework and carve a pumpkin, when it hit.
A brief wave of nausea.
Then another.
The waves began to melt into one large tidal wave.
Now I have cried for 2+ hours.
And after 2+ hours of crying and feeling the intense urge to dry heave, the nausea finally begins to subside.
Only to bring on new things.
Burning skin on my face (feels like my cheeks are on fire).
Neck is covered with a hundred prickles (or feels that way).
Scalp is so itchy I have almost caused it to bleed.
And now the electrical zaps in my pelvis, stomach and chest.
I have read of those who have one last INTENSE surge of withdrawal effects and then wake up "healed". I hope every time I get hit like this that I will wake up tomorrow feeling like "100% Sarah".
Tonight is a bump in the road once again. And it's still as scary as it was a year ago...it just doesn't last as long.
100% Sarah will come when she is ready.
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Healing Yourself, Naturally
My daughter is back in school, and within only days of returning, she came home one day and said, "Mommy, my throat hurts". Uh oh.
I've "blogged" about it before, but since becoming med-free over a year ago, my husband and I set out on a mission to better ourselves from the inside out. After spending half of my life on various antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and even rounds of antibiotics for bronchitis years ago...I felt the need to give my body a boost. I was ready to treat myself to some extra love and attention. And I needed to make a big lifestyle change.
The first thing that left my "lifestyle" was the pop. I was not a big pop-drinker as a kid or during my early teens...but as soon as I began to socialize more and go to parties, in came that brown soda. Coke was my favourite. When I was prescribed Prozac at the age of 16, I became manic on it. Every night I would wind up like a toy and go go go all night long. And it was that cherry red can that kept me company. By morning I would crash and once awake I'd find Coke cans on my bedside table. It was a vicious cycle which did not last thankfully, as my parents quickly found that particular medication was only make things worse for me. My love of Coke returned when I became pregnant with my daughter. I didn't drink much of it during my pregnancy as I knew it wasn't the best choice for my baby's health and development but the year following her birth my craving for Coke grew and by the time we owned our first home 2 years later, I would say I was somewhat "addicted" to Coke. I drank it daily and craved it from the moment I woke up.
With Coke, comes that need to have something salty with it. Although we ate fairly healthily on weekdays, we had what we called "Crap Nights" on Friday nights and sometimes Saturday nights. "Crap Night" could be anything that was...crappy. Chicken wings, pizza, wraps (but with cheese and breaded chicken), hot dogs and french fries...food with little to no nutrition.
When I began to experience tolerance withdrawal from Clonazepam (but didn't know it at the time), I attributed it to the food I was eating. So with the Coke, the food quickly followed and I cut out most "crap" from my diet. Initially it was fried food...so gone were the bread chicken fingers and chicken wings...but quickly I began noticing I was having issues with dairy. It wasn't consistent, but it happened enough that I decided it was time to cut it out. So long pizza!
Interesting fact: I was reading an article in the past year or two about Coke and the caramel colouring used in it (as well as any "brown pop"). It contains 4-methylimidazole, which is carcinogenic.
So now, at the age of 34, I am dairy free (aside from yogurt), meat free (but I will eat fish), POP FREE (haven't had one in close to 3 years, not even a sip), fried-food-free, and alcohol free (which was never an issue to begin with). This is what works well for ME. I think if you are going to make improvements in your diet, it needs to be realistic and you have to be prepared to make some big changes. Long gone are the "potluck parties" for me where I can gorge on jalapeno poppers and pizza. If I go to a party and it includes dinner, I need to make sure I contribute a side dish I know I can eat. And that's okay! Sure a few people my roll their eyes at it when Sarah doesn't touch the delicious bits and bites that surround the table, but I AM okay with my decision and I NEED to follow through in order to feel good inside. If I cheat, I will pay for it - and it's not worth it. I have sometimes said to my husband, "it's so frustrating! I'm hungry and just want to be able to pop in a pizza but instead I have to cut up veggies, cook chickpeas, etc, just to have a meal!". So now I try to get in the habit of cooking things I enjoy and stocking up the fridge so I can just reheat meals for myself.
With this new lifestyle, I have noticed I fight bugs quicker. I don't seem to get all these mystery-bronchitis-bugs I once had yearly. And gone are the days we popped antibiotics or even Advil for a cold and/or flu. When my daughter came home that day with her sore throat, out came the Apple Cider Vinegar. A teaspoon of ACV and a small glass of warm water and she is good to go! If she is sick then we try to get two doses in her per day. We also add crushed FRESH garlic to her lunch and/or dinner (best raw, not cooked), get plenty of water in her and cut back on the sugar. And sure, it took her over 2 weeks to fully fight this past bug (the cough was stubborn and lingered), she did fight a horrible earache (which could have been an infection) with garlic drops in her ears as well as garlic cloves placed in her ears. We kept it up for an additional 2 days once her ears felt better just to play it safe, but the ear pain itself was gone completely within 18 hours of using garlic.
Interesting fact: Sugar only ENCOURAGES bad bacteria to grow...so try to steer clear of freezies and ice cream when you or your child have a sore throat. Stick to a warm tea with honey that soothes the throat, gargle with salt water, or chow down on toast with honey and cinnamon on top (the 2 combined help fight off colds and soothes a sore throat within minutes of eating).
There are SO many ways you can better yourself from the inside out. The key is to do it for YOU. I will never go back to "Crap Nights and Coke" and although the convenience of it is nice, it's not what makes my body feel good. The changes I've made - dietary changes, Chiropractic care, meditation, Reiki (mainly self Reiki), and acceptance - have all helped me become who I am today...and as I continue to heal from the damage these meds did to me over the years things will only get better.
I've "blogged" about it before, but since becoming med-free over a year ago, my husband and I set out on a mission to better ourselves from the inside out. After spending half of my life on various antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and even rounds of antibiotics for bronchitis years ago...I felt the need to give my body a boost. I was ready to treat myself to some extra love and attention. And I needed to make a big lifestyle change.
The first thing that left my "lifestyle" was the pop. I was not a big pop-drinker as a kid or during my early teens...but as soon as I began to socialize more and go to parties, in came that brown soda. Coke was my favourite. When I was prescribed Prozac at the age of 16, I became manic on it. Every night I would wind up like a toy and go go go all night long. And it was that cherry red can that kept me company. By morning I would crash and once awake I'd find Coke cans on my bedside table. It was a vicious cycle which did not last thankfully, as my parents quickly found that particular medication was only make things worse for me. My love of Coke returned when I became pregnant with my daughter. I didn't drink much of it during my pregnancy as I knew it wasn't the best choice for my baby's health and development but the year following her birth my craving for Coke grew and by the time we owned our first home 2 years later, I would say I was somewhat "addicted" to Coke. I drank it daily and craved it from the moment I woke up.
With Coke, comes that need to have something salty with it. Although we ate fairly healthily on weekdays, we had what we called "Crap Nights" on Friday nights and sometimes Saturday nights. "Crap Night" could be anything that was...crappy. Chicken wings, pizza, wraps (but with cheese and breaded chicken), hot dogs and french fries...food with little to no nutrition.
When I began to experience tolerance withdrawal from Clonazepam (but didn't know it at the time), I attributed it to the food I was eating. So with the Coke, the food quickly followed and I cut out most "crap" from my diet. Initially it was fried food...so gone were the bread chicken fingers and chicken wings...but quickly I began noticing I was having issues with dairy. It wasn't consistent, but it happened enough that I decided it was time to cut it out. So long pizza!
Interesting fact: I was reading an article in the past year or two about Coke and the caramel colouring used in it (as well as any "brown pop"). It contains 4-methylimidazole, which is carcinogenic.
So now, at the age of 34, I am dairy free (aside from yogurt), meat free (but I will eat fish), POP FREE (haven't had one in close to 3 years, not even a sip), fried-food-free, and alcohol free (which was never an issue to begin with). This is what works well for ME. I think if you are going to make improvements in your diet, it needs to be realistic and you have to be prepared to make some big changes. Long gone are the "potluck parties" for me where I can gorge on jalapeno poppers and pizza. If I go to a party and it includes dinner, I need to make sure I contribute a side dish I know I can eat. And that's okay! Sure a few people my roll their eyes at it when Sarah doesn't touch the delicious bits and bites that surround the table, but I AM okay with my decision and I NEED to follow through in order to feel good inside. If I cheat, I will pay for it - and it's not worth it. I have sometimes said to my husband, "it's so frustrating! I'm hungry and just want to be able to pop in a pizza but instead I have to cut up veggies, cook chickpeas, etc, just to have a meal!". So now I try to get in the habit of cooking things I enjoy and stocking up the fridge so I can just reheat meals for myself.
With this new lifestyle, I have noticed I fight bugs quicker. I don't seem to get all these mystery-bronchitis-bugs I once had yearly. And gone are the days we popped antibiotics or even Advil for a cold and/or flu. When my daughter came home that day with her sore throat, out came the Apple Cider Vinegar. A teaspoon of ACV and a small glass of warm water and she is good to go! If she is sick then we try to get two doses in her per day. We also add crushed FRESH garlic to her lunch and/or dinner (best raw, not cooked), get plenty of water in her and cut back on the sugar. And sure, it took her over 2 weeks to fully fight this past bug (the cough was stubborn and lingered), she did fight a horrible earache (which could have been an infection) with garlic drops in her ears as well as garlic cloves placed in her ears. We kept it up for an additional 2 days once her ears felt better just to play it safe, but the ear pain itself was gone completely within 18 hours of using garlic.
Interesting fact: Sugar only ENCOURAGES bad bacteria to grow...so try to steer clear of freezies and ice cream when you or your child have a sore throat. Stick to a warm tea with honey that soothes the throat, gargle with salt water, or chow down on toast with honey and cinnamon on top (the 2 combined help fight off colds and soothes a sore throat within minutes of eating).
There are SO many ways you can better yourself from the inside out. The key is to do it for YOU. I will never go back to "Crap Nights and Coke" and although the convenience of it is nice, it's not what makes my body feel good. The changes I've made - dietary changes, Chiropractic care, meditation, Reiki (mainly self Reiki), and acceptance - have all helped me become who I am today...and as I continue to heal from the damage these meds did to me over the years things will only get better.
Friday, 28 September 2012
4:45 am...You Know This Can't Be Great
4:45 am. My husband and I went to bed early tonight. An hour or so earlier than we normally would. And now I am up at 4:45 - NOT getting the extra sleep I thought I would get tonight. I woke up slowly - like in a dream. I wasn't sure if I was actually awake or just dreaming I was waking. I got up to go to the washroom quickly and then came right back to bed but I knew fairly quickly what was going to happen. I told myself, "this doesn't HAVE to happen...maybe you can control it." So I sat in bed and breathed deeply till I could hear less of a heartbeat drumming in my ears. I slowly slid my legs under the blankets and then lowered my body into bed. But my heart beat louder. I breathed and breathed. I rested my hands on my body to ground myself. But my stomach began to gurgle, pop and turn. Then the chest pain. The chest pain is fairly new. I never had it in the past with panic attacks. It isn't a steady pain...more like a jabbing pain that comes and goes. Sometimes it can be a crushing pain that leaves my arms tingling.
I knew staying in bed wouldn't cut it so I got out, grabbed the laptop and decided to "set up camp" in the basement. Our hamster, Lucas, greeted me happily. Poor guy is nocturnal and rarely gets visits at 4 in the morning when he's ready to party...so at least someone in this house is happy right now.
All I can do is cry. I am so worn out and angry with how hard this it at 14+ months out. Sleep is rarely good and some days I wonder how I'm even getting through the day like a "normal" person. Humans need sleep! Apparently I'm proving we don't need quite as much as we think. My eyes burn 24/7 and my body has this constant buzzing. It's difficult to think positively at 5:00 am...so I'm not at my best right now. You are getting the "oh my gosh this HAS to end...please can I have a break...I just want to cry" Sarah. I didn't have panic attacks like this before all these meds. Not that I can remember. I never had chest pain till I was 8 months free of them. I didn't have these wild mood swings that leave me in shock. I never had muscle pain, dental pain and bone pain like I have now. So it is the meds. I just have to reassure myself of that over and over and over.
Now I sit here...5:40am. I won't go back to bed. I am listening to a song that is sung by a young woman - a celebrity - who has battled depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and cutting. She's been open about it publicly and I respect her for that. Because people can really judge you when you discuss any issue that has the word "mental" in it. It suddenly becomes YOUR fault. It's not a song I would normally listen to, but the lyrics hit me and are familiar after this experience. Only, where she is singing to people who have hurt her (I suspect), I replace the people with pills.
Good night...or morning, to all. Another night down, and another day to face that may be better than yesterday. I will end this with a good cry and move on. It can only get better.
I knew staying in bed wouldn't cut it so I got out, grabbed the laptop and decided to "set up camp" in the basement. Our hamster, Lucas, greeted me happily. Poor guy is nocturnal and rarely gets visits at 4 in the morning when he's ready to party...so at least someone in this house is happy right now.
All I can do is cry. I am so worn out and angry with how hard this it at 14+ months out. Sleep is rarely good and some days I wonder how I'm even getting through the day like a "normal" person. Humans need sleep! Apparently I'm proving we don't need quite as much as we think. My eyes burn 24/7 and my body has this constant buzzing. It's difficult to think positively at 5:00 am...so I'm not at my best right now. You are getting the "oh my gosh this HAS to end...please can I have a break...I just want to cry" Sarah. I didn't have panic attacks like this before all these meds. Not that I can remember. I never had chest pain till I was 8 months free of them. I didn't have these wild mood swings that leave me in shock. I never had muscle pain, dental pain and bone pain like I have now. So it is the meds. I just have to reassure myself of that over and over and over.
Now I sit here...5:40am. I won't go back to bed. I am listening to a song that is sung by a young woman - a celebrity - who has battled depression, anxiety, an eating disorder and cutting. She's been open about it publicly and I respect her for that. Because people can really judge you when you discuss any issue that has the word "mental" in it. It suddenly becomes YOUR fault. It's not a song I would normally listen to, but the lyrics hit me and are familiar after this experience. Only, where she is singing to people who have hurt her (I suspect), I replace the people with pills.
Good night...or morning, to all. Another night down, and another day to face that may be better than yesterday. I will end this with a good cry and move on. It can only get better.
Monday, 24 September 2012
3am...Never a Good Thing
3am wake up call. I woke up feeling insanely hungry. I smiled to myself as I assumed it was morning and I had successfully slept through the night. But quickly realized when I noticed how dark the room was that it wasn't at all morning. And that's when it happened. My stomach flipped, a lump came to my throat, my heart beat so loudly it sounded like drums in my ears, and out of bed I flew...literally flew.
Now I sit in the basement behind my laptop. I'm shivering and my stomach is rumbling. I am scared out of my mind and would give anything to call a family member, friend, or wake my husband. This isn't a fun way to begin the week. My hands are shaking and my body is freezing. My back is covered in the shingles-like prickles and I'm frozen with fear.
My stomach hurts and the gurgling is nothing short of ridiculous. Something I know often happens when I'm this anxious. My throat is raspy and burning and I believe that during my panic episodes I seem to get a type of heart burn...so it often leaves me with a weak voice.
I just wish I could wake my husband. Nothing is worse than sitting through this alone. I often wonder how people do it without support.
I keep hoping this is my last night-time post. I hope that day comes soon. I hope this isn't me.
Now I sit in the basement behind my laptop. I'm shivering and my stomach is rumbling. I am scared out of my mind and would give anything to call a family member, friend, or wake my husband. This isn't a fun way to begin the week. My hands are shaking and my body is freezing. My back is covered in the shingles-like prickles and I'm frozen with fear.
My stomach hurts and the gurgling is nothing short of ridiculous. Something I know often happens when I'm this anxious. My throat is raspy and burning and I believe that during my panic episodes I seem to get a type of heart burn...so it often leaves me with a weak voice.
I just wish I could wake my husband. Nothing is worse than sitting through this alone. I often wonder how people do it without support.
I keep hoping this is my last night-time post. I hope that day comes soon. I hope this isn't me.
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